Wikiwarrior Part Deux

So, I found this. Theoretically, a list of creepy Wikipedia articles. Now, would these be able to creep out me. A little background, I've seen more horror movies than the average 21 year old male has seen sports games. Every night, medication I'm on subjects (or rather, treats me to) a series of vivid, lucid dreams that range from simply odd to things Dante would've covered in his book if he had some more imagination and a lot more balls. Also, rumor has it, I've done enough psychedelics to have Hunter S. Thompson give me a fist bump in the afterlife. What can Wikipedia possibly due to me? The answer, dear reader, lies ahead.


Mad Gasser of Mattoon 
Well, the skeptic in me says "one guy left his gas running and mass hysteria and poor diagnostics did the rest." The comic-geek in me thinks: "HOLY SHIT! REAL-LIFE SCARECROW!". Either way, worst case scenario, a copycat emerges and treats me to a week-long vacation and some free drugs. Cool? Yes. Crazy? Meh.


On a scale from one to Audition I give it a
3/Audition.


The Bloop
The first thing this article does is prove to me that scientists suck at naming everything. An insanely loud noise in the middle of the ocean with no identifiable source? That's not a bloop that's a "HOLYTITSCTHULUISREAL". Semantics aside, a massive noise in the middle of the ocean with no identifiable source screams "THE END IS NIGH!" pretty loudly. That said, since high-tech ocean monitoring is in its infancy and since I think Michael Clark Duncan, a helicopter and a Claymore mine could stop anything up to Galactus-level in my mind. In short, I'm curious, but barely concerned. 


4/Audition.


Pope Lick Monster
The first line in this beast's wiki description: "The Pope Lick Monster is a legendary half-man, half-goat^[1] and half-sheep^[2] creature" is disturbing on a mathematical level, but the creature itself (should it exist) is far from terrifying. Apparently, the hilariously named creature uses hypnosis to lure unsuspecting passers-by onto train tracks. Now, I don't claim to be a high-end psychic by any means, but there's only one way I'm lying on train tracks, and that's if Dick Dastardly ties me face down on top of Nell Fenwick. Now, if this was a demon that fancied giving rimjobs to his holiness, we could talk. Instead,


2/Audition.


Starchild Skull
Some Ufologists (read: wingnuts) believe this skull is the product of humans boning aliens.  I, as a trained common-senseologist (as poor as I am at it in practice), believe this is the skull of someone who was dared to eat a whole box of Warheads at once. 

Your face WILL, in fact, get stuck that way.

1/Audition

Owlman

In addition to being the DC universe's evil parallel version of Batman, Owlman is the lamest thing cryptozoologists have come up with since cryptozoology. A person with wings? In Britain? What are they gonna do, polite me to death? Please...

0/Audition.

Greenman

No, not this one:

This Greenman was a long time Philly urban legend. Children and paranoid people of all stripes would report a man who would reportedly glow green, had no face and would wander the streets at night. The truth is altogether more badass. A Phillyboy was terribly disfigured in an electrical accident. He didn't let a little thing like gross mutilation stop him from pursuing his hobby, namely, walking the streets at night. On top of all that, people report him as being a nice guy. He may not be creepy, but I feel like he deserves some badass points. So, if no one is offended, I'm switching the scale from 1-Audition to 1-Yippy Kai-Ay Motherfucker!. Without further ado, this walking incarnation of courage gets:

2 and 1/2 Yippy Kai Ays. 

Next time you're uncomfortable leaving the house without makeup, I hope the Greenman's memory haunts you into sanity. More reviews to come. Until then. Beware the Bloop. 

Two good things about the worst eight movies of the last eleven years.

Just to show I'm not all fire and brimstone, I'm going to take eight films Wikipedia listed as the worst of the '00s (that's right, these movies are so objectively bad that an online encyclopedia says so) and say two nice things about each of them. I'll then likely need 16 aspirin. 


Battlefield Earth


Big fucking surprise here. SHIT! THINK BRAIN! THINK! Alright, I got it.


1. It makes scientologists look even dumber. "Oh, L. Ron Hubbard? The Battlefield Earth guy? He has a religion? That's cute."
2. Wicked sweet beards. On everybody. 


Yes! One down! Seven to go.


Freddy Got Fingered


1. Rip.
2. Torn.


From Justin to Kelly


1. This was filmed at the Venetian pool when I was like fourteen, and I tried to sneak on set with my girlfriend and we got caught but we didn't get in trouble. So I guess that's sorta good.
2. Justin's hair may hold clues as to future innovations in anti-physics. Big, crazy looking cues.


The Room


1. You now have a very good idea of what the San Fransisco skyline looks like. From all angles. 
2. You will feel significantly better about your abilities to write, act, speak and not look like hellspawn.


Gigli


1. Frequent readers of this blog must know how much I love Al Pacino yelling. This film is no exception.
2. It banished Jennifer Lopez to the world of American Idol, where she hopefully forever remains.


Catwoman


1. This movie had twenty-eight writers. So, for at least for a short period of time, this film fed 28 otherwise unemployable alcoholics. I can support that.
2. They had the decency to keep Batman out of it. Likely the only reason there weren't riots.


Alone in The Dark


1. As far as I know, this movie did not directly result in the death of innocents. I know some of you are thinking "well, that's hardly impressive", those of you are not sufficiently acquainted with Uwe Boll.
2. Uwe Boll once said this : "you don understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you don't see courage because you are nothing. and go to your mum and fuck her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it". Yup. As an adult. And despite his obvious mental issues, he made a video film. Good for him.


Birdemic: Shock and Terror


1. Without explanation, the birds in this movie explode upon touching the ground. This is a frightening thought. As this is a horror movie, I suppose that is a plus. 
2. Birdemic would have been a WAY better name for the Avian flu. I would've gone into hiding. Take note, CDC.

Five things wrong with AFI's top five.

Yes. These movies are great. I get it. But none of them are perfect. In fact, a few of them have some serious fucking issues. So, as a brilliant artist myself, I will point out these errors, and suggest ways the creators could have gotten it right.


Warning: spoilers ahead. But these have all been out for at least thirty years, so seriously, you already know all this.


5. Lawrence of Arabia
1. HOLY SHIT IS THIS THING LONG! Cut it in half. I don't care which half, but a huge chunk of this thing has GOT to go.


2. Large portions of the film take place in the desert, this is incredibly boring. I hear the director originally wanted stormtroopers riding dewbacks in the background to liven things up. I know that wasn't possible back then, but it would be easy with today's technology. Quit being lazy folks!


3. I have trouble relating to a Lawrence. Change his name to Larry. I can identify with a Larry.


4. It starts with so much bullshit before the credits. If I wanted to see soldiers march all day I'd go to a doctor, because something would have to be terribly wrong with me.


5. It teases us by having a motorcycle in it, but no super-sweet stunts. Maybe Larry could have jumped sideways off the motorcycle, two uzis blazing, mowing down Turks. That would've been a way better ending.


4. Gone With The Wind


1. If you thought Lawrence of Arabia was long, holy shit. Get a ton of snacks ready for this drawn-out son of a bitch. Or better yet, watch the trailer. Use the time you save to learn a new language, or write a movie shorter than Gone With The Wind.


2. This movie has 24,000 extras (I counted) and not a single one of them is wearing anything anachronistic or doing anything silly (I looked). Talk about a major disappointment.


3. The film had a "Woman's Director" even back in 1839 or whatever, that's hella sexist.


4. "Frankly my dear, I don't give three shits and some cat piss."


5. It has suitors. Suitors are the worst. If I ever meet a suitor in real life, I'm gonna punch him square in the nose and say something clever like "I hope that SUITS you!". I'll think about the clever thing to say, but I'm gonna hit 'em real hard.


3. The Godfather


1. Yeah, I know it's a cheap shot, but the cheap shot Sonny takes at Connie's boytoy misses by SO much. Was Scorcesse even on set that day? What the hell man?


2. "Leave the gun, take the chicken cacciatore." I just prefer savory dishes to sweet ones, and cannolis, well, not my thing.


3. In that scene where Sonny gets shot up, he could have totally pulled a Boromir. Maybe just stay alive long enough to grab some dude and bite his head off. That would've been wicked.


4. Same goes for Luca Brazzi, maybe let him chokeslam somebody through a table. I love it when that happens in professional wrestling, and I think it's about time it happened more in cinema.


5. Have Al Pacino use his blatantly fake Cuban accent. I saw that movie where he did that, it ruled. 


2. Casablanca


There is nothing wrong with this movie. Seriously, I checked like a hundred time. I know almost every line. They are all absolutely flawless. I'm sorry. 


1. Citizen Kane


1. That scene where Orwell goes on the rampage as an old man, it looks like none of his joints work and he looks really silly. I don't think the director intended for that to be comical, but shit, I was laughing until my toenails were coming off (common condition, look it up). 


2. Rosebud was a sled. Nobody saw this movie without knowing the ending. You may argue that the first viewers did, but this movie is so old, it was around for at least ten years before anyone was around to watch it. If you didn't know the ending your first time going in, submit yourself for carbon-dating.

3. It was all about some rich white guy who just does businessy things. Who wants to watch shit like that?

Oh yeah, me.

4. Orson Welles directed, produced and starred in it. At 25. That makes me feel unaccomplished. Shame on you Orson. I could make point five that Orson is a stupid name for dum-dums, but I won't. 


5. Pterodactyls. Seriously, Youtube it. They recycled some footage from King Kong to save some skrilla, and in the background of one shot, there are some pterodactyls. Now, my issue isn't that they fucked up. In fact, my issue is that they didn't fuck up enough. This movie could have rocked so much harder if there were more accidental dinosaur attacks. Jurassic Park AND a compelling character drama, can cinema get better? I submit that it can not. 

Haikus are HAI-larious. Ouch.

I'm going to haiku out some of my thoughts as the day goes by, hopefully the simplicity of the form will help me clear my mind and focus on the important things, achieve peace, etc. If you don't know what a haiku is, refer to the above link and tell your second grade teacher you're very disappointed in them.

These fucking potholes
these motherfucking potholes
they suck camelfroth.

Okay, maybe this will work better if I take a deep breath before I right these. Let me try again.

Who made this sad, sad
croquetta, they should be shamed.
Hot sauce, please.

That's better I guess.

This computer is
slower than Forrest Gump was
at mathematics.

Ice Cube will headline
The Juggalo Gathering.
Where is your God now?

Why accountants? Why?
Can I have your degree please?
You use it for shit.

This is my stapler.
Because I am holding it,
and staples hurt. Bad.

My workspace is not,
however tiny or sad,
not your trashcan, ass.

I just got to use
"ass-rabbit" in an e-mail
at work. Yes, I smiled.

This old elevator
hasn't learned the newest tricks.
No more stops, suckers.

He had scowled so hard
his jawbone and chest and fused
together : hero.

A thirty day hold
on a forty dollar check
stingy-ass bastards.

My hair is longer
than that of my poor mother.
My boss is amused.

Making checks out for
420 stops being fun
after days and days.

Shredders are still great.
Vrrooom, shhhh vavavashashhhhhhhhhhhh
Ah, get me clean pants.

Certified mail is
expensive, annoying, green.
Boss is the devil.

Brutal Brutal Raw.
Brutal Brutal Brutal Raw.
Raw Raw Brutal. Raw.

Nothing to do takes
a hellish toll on my feet.
Pace to look busy.

A good tin-can phone
would help us out. Oh, hey! Wait!
We have a real one.

Woosh. Glad that's over. One more.

Haikus have dumb rules.
Hippies, eight year olds and hacks,
please quit writing them.

Yup. I'm officially a candidate for hypocrite of the year award. Try not to think about those proceedings unless a migraine you seek.

News Recap for the Week Ending 6/26/11

Jackass star Ryan Dunn dies in car accident
Pennsylvania-- Ryan Dunn who made a living forcing people to ask "How is that total moron still alive?" died while being a total moron. Notable character actor Kevin Dunn survived the car crash, thanks to his being nowhere fucking near it. Dunn is survived by a slew of morons who are going to kill themselves in equally brain-dead ways.


Investigation finds Pennsylvania police completely ball-less
According to sources summarized in Wikipedia :"Police stated that speed may have been a factor in the accident,^[13] and preliminary investigations suggested that the car had been traveling between 132 and 140 mph (212 and 230 km/h) in a 55 mph (89 km/h) zone.<sup>[14][15]" According to anyone with half a brain, the "may have been" part of that sentence is entirely unnecessary.


Investigators suspect foul play in death of area opossum</sup>  

Old Brunswick, NJ--  Local schoolteacher Rosalie Cifaretto made a call to area animal control after, when on an evening jog through her neighborhood, she found an opossum that looked "totally deadzo". While the animal control agents agreed with Rosalie's initial impression that the opossum was like "disco dead", they were puzzle by its persistent, although slowed, heartbeat and its twitching when poked with sharp objects. Taking no chances, the animal was quickly incinerated, hopefully preventing a massive, civilization-threatening zombie apocalypse.

Michelle Obama visits Africa
Pretoria, South Africa-- Michelle Obama, wearing the latest and greatest in designer garments and accessories, arrived in South Africa this Monday morning. Obama explained, from the runway her private jet had landed on, that she was there to inspire South Africans to work hard at securing their own future financial prosperity. We interviewed Dikeledi Erasmus who saw the First Lady speak at a lavish stadium event: "I work a fifteen hour day in a rat poison factory and forget what anything what rice tastes like. What the hell do they pay HER for?" Clearly, at least one woman was touched by Michelle's act of selfless philanthropy. Tomorrow, the Obamas will go on safari and have been assured a chance to ride on an adorned elephant.

Christian fundamentalists want classic carol line cut
Valdosta, Georgia--  "Deck the Halls" has been a staple of any good caroling troupe and has been without controversy, until now. Pastor Ed Franks and his wife Lisa have uncovered a lyrics long overlooked. The line in question? "Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la, la la la, la la la." Upon listening closely, Pastor Franks was shocked; "I had to listen three times, because my betamax player don't play so good, I called in Lisa and all three Ed Jrs. and they heard the same thing!" At first, the Pastor thought it was just that recording stating "you know how the queers are with their tricks". But after discovering that all three versions of the song they could find at the local Target contained the lyric, the Franks were up in arms. "You can't have kids singin' this! They're singin' this one day, they're dressin' like the Miss Gaga the next, then before you know it, its the parties and the wild sex!" Pastor Frank yelled, with the slightest look of longing in his eye towards the end of his statement. When asked about plans to take action on his discovery, Pastor Frank, who is going senile in his early 60s, went on a nigh-unintelligible tirade about "the young kids dressin' like the negro-rappers <sic>". 


Classifieds


Job Openings
(.... ed.)


Personals
m4w, I'm really just doing this because my friends are making me. If I don't get calls from a bunch of idiots, I'm just gonna find someone beautiful and then get brutally hurt when my issues go from making me interesting and start making me a drag. I know this cycle better than I know the  marks on my hands but I'd still light up like a firefly if I got as much as a smile from a girl I liked. Anyway, I like Tom Waits, whiskey, cooking and sitting on porches on rainy days. This is probably the worst five dollars I've ever spent.


w4m, I don't know what the hell I'm expecting. All of these ads are the same. People who call themselves fun-loving as though anybody isn't. People who are all about positive attitudes. I guess I'd want someone who was okay with someone who was willing to admit when things sucked, you know. I hate the games people play too, this whole waiting to call you back, this whole coy mating dance. Fuck that. Can I curse in here? I do that a lot. Anyway, I like playing the banjo, whiskey and sitting around on front porches. Here goes nothing.

In a graveyard charade, a late shift masquerade two for a quarter, dime for a dance: Or what I had for breakfast.

THIS WHOLE POST WILL BE BOLD BECAUSE THIS BREAKFAST WAS BOLD AS THAN A WOMAN SINGING OUR COUNTRY TIS OF THEE IN A U.S. FLAG DRESS OFF THE TOP OF NORTH KOREA'S TALLEST BUILDING. THAT JOKE SUCKED BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS CLOGGED FROM ALL THE AWESOME IN MY BREAKFAST. YOU'LL NEED A BUNCH OF SHIT BECAUSE I DON'T PLAY.


INGREDIENTS:
2-4 EGGS
FUCKTON OF AREPA MIX
CAN OF BEANS
JALAPENOS
ONIONS
BELL PEPPER
GARLIC
RED WINE
BAY LEAVES
ADOBO
STEAK THICKER THAN ARETHA'S THIGHS
BACON
SPICY SAUSAGE
CHEESE, REAL SHIT NOT SOME FUCKING VELVEETA SHIT

MAKE SOME FUCKING BEANS. MAKE THE SHIT OUT OF DEM BITCHES. I STARTED MAKING THESE AT 4AM BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DUMB. THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.

BROWN THE SHIT OUT OF SOME CUT UP SAUSAGE IN LARD IN A REALLY FUCKING HEAVY CAST IRON POT. IF IT CAN'T STOP A BULLET, IT AIN'T WORTH A SHIT. I WOULD TEST THIS BY SHOOTING IT. HOPEFULLY WITH A BOLD ASS FUCKING GUN. I RECOMMEND A .357 SNUBNOSE, IT'S TINY, BUT IT CAN FUCK UP ANYTHING THAT ISN'T THIS FUCKING POT.
WHEN THAT SAUSAGE HAS LEAKED ENOUGH OF ITS JUICY FATS TO DROWN AN INFANT, REMOVE THE CHUNKS AND KEEP EM CLOSE.
GET THAT SHIT HOT AND SAUTEE SOME BIG ASS CHUNKS OF ONION AND BELL PEPPER IN THERE. ONCE THAT ONION TURNS CLEAR, ADD YOUR FINGERNAIL SIZED CHUNKS OF GARLIC, FIST SIZED CHUNKS OF TOMATO AND JALAPENOS THE SIZE OF THUNDER. COOK THAT FOR LIKE SIXTY SECONDS.ADD A CUP OF WINE. BREATHE THE FUMES FOR LIKE THREE MINUTES, THEY WILL MAKE YOU WELL. WELL ENOUGH TO TOSS A SEMI CROSS-COUNTRY WITH YOUR HAIR.
THEN YOU OPEN YOUR CAN OF BEANS (USE YOUR TEETH), AND TOSS THEM IN THERE. ADD YOUR ADOBO, YOUR BAY LEAVES, YOUR SPICES, YOUR GODDAMN SWEAT AND BLOOD. BORROW A FRIEND'S TEARS BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE UNABLE TO CRY BY NOW. LET THAT SHIT COME TO ALMOST A BOIL AND THEN LET IT SIMMER FOR FUCKING EVER.


NEXT, MAKE SOME BACON, DON'T QUITE COOK IT ALL THE WAY. COOK IT TO HALF ITS DELICIOUS CRISPY PRIME. MAKE A FUCKING AREPA WITH HALF YOUR BACON IN IT. WANNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE AN AREPA? HERE'S HOW. ROLL SOME BACON IN THERE. 


NEXT, GO OUTSIDE TO YOUR GRILL. TURN THE PROPANE UP CRAZY FUCKING HIGH. ENOUGH TO ALMOST MAKE YOU PUT OUT YOUR BREAKFAST CIGAR. YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE ONE OF THOSE IN YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW. YOU SHOULD ALSO HAVE A GLASS OF BRANDY IN YOUR HAND. CRANK EVERY KNOB ON THERE TO HIGH AND START IT. CLOSE THE GRILL AND TURN THE SIDE BURNER TO MAX.


NOW YOU TAKE A CAST IRON SKILLET AND LET THAT SHIT SIT THERE ON THE SIDE BURNER FOR LIKE A HALF HOUR. WHILE YOU WAIT, COVER THAT STEAK IN SALT AND PEPPER, THE WORD "OVERSPICED" ISN'T EVEN A REAL WORD. SPELL CHECK SAID SO. ONCE THE PAN IS LIKE LINGERIE CIGAR SMOKING HOT, YOU TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF LARD OR BACON GREASE (OR BOTH!!) AND STICK IT IN THAT PAN REAL SLOW LIKE. NOW TOUCH THE PAN. DID IT BURN YOU REALLY BAD? ARE YOU IN NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION? IF NOT, LET IT SIT THERE LONGER. 


NOW, TOSS YOUR STEAK ON THERE AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SPLASH SOME BRANDY ON THERE. I SHOULD'VE WARNED YOU, THIS SHIT WILL FUCKING EXPLODE. I LOST A FEW EYELASHES AND I HAVE PRACTICE AT THIS SHIT. LET THAT BIT OF BRANDY BURN OUT AND COOK OFF WHICH SHOULD TAKE LIKE TWO MINUTES. FLIP IT AND THROW SOME MORE BRANDY ON THERE. DRINK YOUR BRANDY FOR THE NEXT TWO MINUTES THEN MOVE THE PAN INTO THE GRILL, WHICH SHOULD BE ROUGHLY THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SUN. SOME WOULD RECOMMEND USING MITTS. I USE MY TEETH. LET YOUR STEAK SIT IN THERE LIKE TWO MINUTES FOR RARE OR A LITTLE MORE FOR WUSS. 



PULL THAT PAN OUT AND PUT THE STEAK ON A RESTING PLATE. USE A STURDY PLATE, SINCE YOUR ONE POUND 700 DEGREE STEAK WILL FUCK YOUR CHINA UP SOMETHING BRUTAL. WHILE IT RESTS, REMOVE THE SKILLET FROM HEAT AND CRACK EGGS ON IT. THEY SHOULD BE BROWNED AND SCRAMBLED IN LIKE ZERO MINUTES. SERIOUSLY, THOSE FUCKERS BE READY FASTER THAN THE FLASH CAN PRETEND TO PUT ON A CONDOM. 

CHOP THAT STEAK INTO STRIPS, TOP THE AREPA WITH IT, NEXT ADD THOSE EGGS ON THERE. MAKE SURE EVERYTHING STAYS SLOPPILY MOIST BY POURING A MOTHERFUCKTON OF BEANS ON THAT DICKTWISTING BASTARD. ADD YOUR MOSTLY COOKED LEFTOVER BACON. ADD THAT SAUSAGE. THEN TAKE YOUR CHEESE, IF YOU ONLY HAVE VELVEETA, JUST PUNCH YOURSELF INSTEAD. SHARP CHEDDAR OR PEPPERJACK ARE MY RECOMMENDATIONS, BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO SMOTHER THE AREPA IN IT.


TOSS THAT FUCKER IN THE OVEN OR GRILL AT AROUND 375 DEGREES (WHICH COINCIDENTALLY, SHOULD BE THE TEMPERATURE YOUR HOUSE SHOULD BE AFTER GRILLING THAT STEAK) FOR LIKE 5-7 MINUTES OR UNTIL THAT CHEESE IS MELTY AND DELICIOUS. LET SIT FOR A MINUTE IF YOU'RE FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR IS "SOFT", OTHERWISE, DIG THE FUCK IN.

HEART ATTACK LIFE

Punk. Rant. This one makes my head hurt.

Define punk. Go on. Define it in any way. To any degree. Even when you start with where the whole thing starts and try to define the music, you hit a wall. Do you only count music that sounds like the bands that started the genre? Some people might, but by and large, most people accept a broader definition than that. Do you count music that maintains the main traits of punk (the stripped down approach, fast pace and aggressive vocals)? Because than a whole bunch of bands people traditionally identify as punk are all of a sudden not, the entire genre of crust for one example. So I'm having a hard time even figuring out what makes music punk or not. Especially when you look at examples that deviate musically, but share themes typical to punk. Is a country band that sings about beating down cops and smashing the state, are they punk?


Beyond the music, punk is often talked about as a subculture. It has all of the elements of one. Punks associate primarily with punks. In addition, and sadly in my opinion, there is a tendency within "punk" to ostracize the other. Which is a natural occurrence in any group, but it is a tragic one when the group is as ill-defined as punks are. When someone talks about an outfit or a habit as being punk, does that set a standard for others to follow? Occasionally, I see this as serving  a useful purpose. If a racist gets confronted at a show and that action is viewed as punk, it creates a helpful and positive norm or more within punk. This helps create environments where racism and bigotry are as unwelcome as they should be everywhere. I feel similarly about punk's association with DIY culture and anti-police sentiment. These also seem like developments that make sense in that they stem from the same discontent that created the genre, and then you have the other side of the coin.

For every positive thing that gets tagged to punk culture, I feel like it as a subculture has adopted a fatalistic stance that at times makes it seem like nothing more than a pretentious clique. Punk fashion, or whatever you want to call it, is an expressive art form, and many of my friends have created outfits that are both aesthetically pleasing and show off a good deal about not just what bands they like, but them themselves. This would be well and good if there wasn't such an emphasis among some scenes to enforce it as almost dress code. It also confuses me that while there is so often a fetishization of poverty within punk scenes, the fashion style taken on by so many punks (studs, vintage patches, leather jackets) is far from the cheapest option out there. 


Lastly, and I hope I'm getting to a point here, is that punk, like every subculture of a certain size, has its further subgroups, cliques and scenes. Also like most subcultures that are subdivided (and like every human), each subdivision has an inherent self-doubt. With that comes the strong belief that their subgroup is the best. That's why you get "raw punks" making fun of "activist punks", or "Spirit of 77 punks" looking down at "hardcore kids." Which is further complicated by the fact that each of us isn't as clean cut as these descriptions and definitions make us out to be. No one is one-dimensional enough, I hope, to fit into these flat boxes, these faulty descriptors. So I have to wonder, why the in-group mentality? Why the apprehension of the other? How can a loosely defined, often arbitrarily derived subculture lay judgement upon anything or anyone for deviating from it? Why can't we just admit that some pretty cool motherfuckers twenty five years ago made some badass music and some badass outfits and that that has affected each of us in a unique, and hopefully positive way?

Wow. That was a fucking ramble. Umm. Thoughts?

But now seriously folks, Pulitzer Time

When I started this blog, I didn't want to be making stupid nerd jokes or making fun of teenagers on tumblr or teaching you how to cook delicious bacon wrap breakfast burritos (wait? I haven't done that? Well, you won't have to wait long). I started this to work my true craft: journalism. So, here are some stories I'm working on. Let me know what you think, but remember what you learned in elementary school if you don't have anything nice to say, at least be funny.


Local DJ breaks addiction to "That fucking annoying reggae horn"
Naples, FL-- When James Cagney, age 27, started DJing ten years ago, he had simple dreams, simple goals. "You know, I figured I'd make a little money on the side and chicks seemed to dig it." he told our reporter. Things went fine for a while until three years ago his long-time friend and fellow DJ "Skrews" turned him on to "That fucking annoying reggae horn". "I had heard it once or twice in reggae songs and I always liked it, then Skrews told me I could add it to any song, anytime. I was on top of the world." Cagney, who at this point was going by the stage name "Juicy Jimmy Jay" would interject the sound during hit songs, classic rock music and once, even during "Here Comes the Bride". By this point, James had hit rock bottom, clubs were refusing to book him, his friends and family were ashamed, but he continued to deny his problem. "I still thought it sounded great, you know: "PA-PA-POOOW". One day his close friend local rapper Roger Hammer, who goes by the name MC Roger, took a tape recorder to one of Cagney's engagements and played it back to Cagney. "That exact moment was when I realized, hot damn. I am a horrible sack of wasted organs and it must pain the Lord to gaze upon me. It really blew my mind." But even after his epiphany, Cagney still knows he could relapse at any moment. "There's no support out there, you know? I don't have a sponsor I can call whenever I think about hitting that button. There's no anonymous group for my condition, except groups of anonymous hecklers." When asked about what he hoped to accomplish in the future, his answer was as simple as it was noble; "I'm gonna find Skrews and I'm going to smash his index finger to shit." Good luck, James.


Reporter has no idea how to tactfully wipe sweat from face at restaurant
Miami, Fl-- The beaches are crowded, the energy bills are soaring and one poor man has no idea how to keep his face dry while eating. This reporter, who chooses to remain anonymous described his dilemma; "It's really really hot outside, and it isn't like I'm going to stop sweating the second I get in A/C! If I walked someplace I could form a puddle on the ground below me before I cool off." Embarrassed by his constantly flustered appearance, the young man tried everything; "I would try to use my sleeve to wipe it, but my arms felt like I'd been double fisting an elephant. If I was at a place with those cheapo paper napkins, I'd leave behind like thirty of those bastards before I left. People who saw the aftermath would've suspected I had been cleaning up after a BBQ orgy." Classy restaurants only brought on new problems; "You're only supposed to use that on your mouth, and for good reason, the last thing I need is for the sweat to mix with my beschamel and make me look like I'd spent all day with my face in a bag of Elmer's glue." So the next time you're out on the beach think about all the poor people in this man's stinky, moist shoes and maybe you can help him find the answer.


Good, decent area man only wants a little recognition
Miami, Fl--  "I don't need a freakin' parade or anything, I just want someone to maybe thank me sometime you know." said our interviewee, a middle aged man of about average height and build. "I'm not a saint or anything, but I always help my friends move and I always tip servers twenty percent, I just want a little credit for things like that." Unfortunately, this reporter forgot this man's name after he obliged this reporter's request for "just one more beer."


Funny Page(s) Explained

Daddy is roasting the family pet on the radiator of their generic American SUV.

Battle of the Bands turned bloodbath
Cranston, Fl--  What should have been a pleasant day of good-spirited musical competition at the local park turned into a hellacious tragedy after a simple mix-up led to tragedy. Local high school punk band "The Punkoneers" who described themselves as "grungy pop-punk with a Sublime edge" failed to notice until the start of the show that their bassist was in fact an eight hundred pound black bear. The band's singer, the only survivor of the massacre gave the following statement; "He was always at our practices, so I just assumed he played bass. I was never sure what bassists were supposed to do, but he sounded cool when he growled and he always brought us lots of fresh bass. It's an honest mistake." The bear apparently became irritated by the bands third and final song "Bears are Stupid and Ugly". When asked why he didn't do more to help, the band's singer replied that he was busy "catching that shit on my cell phone".


Nation of Islam member renounces religion after long stay in prison
Suffolk, NY--  Twenty years ago Aadil Hakam was sentenced to a stay in a maximum security prison for his involvement in a politically motivated arson. Today, Aadil, who is once again going by his birth name of Chris Chalmers was released from prison and made his first public statement since his arrest. "There is no way God and that place can both exist." stated Chalmers in front of a crowd of 400 confused onlookers. "Seriously, at best, the highlight of your day is getting in a set of pushups without getting stared down by an M-13 members. Why would an all-powerful God force me to live on a diet of bologna and stale biscuits?" Fellow members of the Nation of Islam criticized Chalmers' statement to which he replied "Try getting stabbed once in the liver every Christmas by some neo-nazi and then come back here with that bullshit". This announcement comes only days after former born-again Christian David Dale renounced his religion stating "What kind of God doesn't make a commandment barring anal rape? Fuck this shit." When asked about his future Chalmers was quick to reply; "I'm going to get shit-faced and fuck everything with a pulse."


Marketplace


Interesting developments in the markets today. The Dow Jones Industrial Average reported feeling down, but just needing some "me time". The NASDAQ considered changing its name to the AASDAQ so it would come first in more alphabetized lists. The S+P 500 reported something, but I can't imagine you care. Meanwhile, the foreign exchange market submitted the following report: 
"Orice speranţă abandona, voi care intra aici"
A spus semnul am citit că a fost agăţat deasupra patului ei
Şi sirena tot dispus
Dar un om nu poate ignora semnele
Trebuie să păstraţi un ochi bun pe drum înainte de lichidare

Şi păcatul prima mea era o fată tânără americană
Şi păcatul prima mea era o fată tânără americană
Şi mi-am petrecut timp Neath "caprele
Cu punk şi sfinţii dimestore
Ne-am tinut credinta si un Switchblade ascunse sub haina mea
Şi am fugit cu îngerii murdare
Am dormit afară în ploaie
Am fost speriat si obosit şi abia şaptesprezece

Şi păcatul prima mea a fost teama ca ma facut sa ma vechi
Şi păcatul prima mea a fost teama ca ma facut sa ma vechi

Şi acum am mers în jos de către şantierele navale
Aproape de locul unde m-am nascut
Spunând, "Oh Maria, dacă you'da mă cunoaşte atunci când"
Dar ea zâmbeşte doar de lumina pe malurile Navesink
Zicând: "Ascultă baby, te cunosc acum"

Apoi, ea paşi în râu
Si eu stau doar de luna
Gândirea zici de un fantomă am auzit pe timp de noapte
Şi spune ea, "păcatul tău a fost o minciună te-a spus.
"Şi primul păcat a fost o minciună te-a spus."


But we have no idea what the fuck that means.


Until next time, remember the Drunken Digest, your one source for news, opinions and Fantastic Four references.

Greyhound Gabbledygook: Or, how I wind up making terrible mistakes.

Pick back corner. Bus nearly empty. Sleep: necessary. Leg room: likely. 

Hey, mind if I sit here?

Why of course not miss!

Thanks! Are you going to Miami?

"Born and raised!"

"Yeah, I've been traveling since Canada that's my last stop, but I don't know anyone."

"flirt flirt flirt"

"flirt flirt flirt"

"Hey, this might be weird, but maybe I can take you out one night, show you some cool spots?"

"No that's not weird at all! That sounds totally cool."

"That's why I'm so glad I left my kids with my parents for a few weeks and just took off."

"Oh.. cool."

"Yeah, their dad left, don't worry about anything like that."

"They're named Abraham and Paul, like you know, the apostles."

Looked at pictures of her kids and listened to her talk about how she was raising them to be spiritual for four and a half hours.

She gave me a kiss and the station and we exchanged numbers. I'm scared.

Bigger update to come later to make up for lost time. I've got too many thoughts and too few friends. I'd happily take the opposite problem.

Kris Kristofferson Vs. Waylon Jennings: A fair and unbiased comparison.

While all of the Highwaymen are near and dear to my heart, it seems like one of them just doesn't get enough love. That man, nay, god, is Kris Kristofferson. Just to prove my point...err...make an unbiased comparison, let us compare him to fellow Highwayman Waylon Jennings. 


Music
This is an important one, seeing as, for the most part, it is what they are known for. Let's see what Kris has up his sleeve.

If that didn't bring a tear to your eye you should get them examined. This is the most beautiful song about a hangover ever written. Fact.


Now, let us listen to some Waylon Jennings.

While it is a great song, notice that he has backup from WILLIE FUCKING NELSON. Which is really, seriously cheating. 


+4 to Kris 
+4 to Waylon
-1 from Waylon for being a cheating little bastard.


Current Score:
Kris-4
Waylon-3


Who would win in a fight?
They are Outlaw country musicians after all, so I feel this is important. Now, obviously Kris would win now since it would be very hard for Waylon to fight from inside a casket. So, lets look at them in their primes. 


Waylon: 

I wouldn't fuck with him.

Now, standing at an even six feet and looking to be a pretty fit 175, Waylon looks pretty good coming into this bout. The fact that his right hand is throwing up the metal horns also is a clear sign of toughness. Also, Waylon Jennings was a tremendous cokehead, so I imagine the eight ball he shot into his temple before the match will give him some serious pain resistance, helping his odds tremendously.


Kris:

HOLY FUCKING TITS!

Now, he does come in at an inch shorter and probably ten pounds lighter than Waylon, but him at forty makes Waylon at thirty look like the Michelin Man after an Italian dinner. I think it's also important to point out these fun facts from Wikipedia:


-He experienced his first dose of fame when he appeared in Sports Illustrated's "Faces In The Crowd" for his achievements in collegiate rugby union, football, and track and field. (That is more sports than I knew existed).


-Kristofferson under pressure from his family, ultimately joined the U.S. Army and achieved the rank of Captain. He became a helicopter pilot after receiving flight training at Fort Rucker, Alabama. He also completed Ranger School. (Ranger school. You know, the training program that makes regular basic training look like a Tae Bo session for the elderly, THAT ranger school). 


 -Kristofferson turned down both William Friedkin's Sorcerer (1977) and the first Rambo-installment, First Blood. (HE COULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING RAMBO).


Okay. As tough as this one is to call, I'm gonna have to say that Kris would beat Waylon into an unidentifiable pulp that would not be fit even for cremation. 



Kris +2


Current score:
Kris-6
Waylon-3




Romance
Lets see how these studs did with the ladies.


Waylon:

That red hair will come to me in all my best dreams.

Pamela Des Barres. A beautiful woman, to be sure. But there are two important things I feel mandated to mention. First, after countless hours (read:three minutes) of research, she is the only woman I could find who was remotely romantically attached to Mr. Jennings. Second, Pamela Des Barres is a minor celebrity herself. Don't let that Jesus tattoo fool you, Pamela is famous for fucking more or less anybody who has ever picked up a guitar. Still, lets see how Kris's love life has treated him... 


Kris: 

Janis Fucking Joplin

Young Barbra Streisand

Joan Baez, it sounds like I'm just making these up at this point right? Well I'm NOT DAMMIT.

Rita Coolidge

Lastly, he was rumored to have been involved with Marilym Monroe, so I'm gonna go ahead and say he definitely, without a doubt, was.

Check and mate!

Kris +3
Waylon +1


Current Scores
Kris- 9
Waylon- 4


Being Alive


Kris +1
Waylon -1

Current Scores

Kris- 10

Waylon- 3

Quotes:

Waylon:

"The only two things in life that make it worth livin'

Is guitars that tune good and firm feelin' women"


Close but no cigar. He forgot liquor and of course, cigars.


Kris:


"Tell the truth. Sing with passion. Work with laughter. Love with heart. 'Cause that's all that matters in the end.”


Close one. Lets call this one even shall we? Of course we will, because this blog is not a democracy, it is a theocracy, and I am its God.


Film


Waylon: 
Waylon cameo'd as a truck driver (does that count as acting?) in something called Sesame Street Presents:Follow That Bird, probably because he got lost on the way to the liquor store.


Kris:

“For the next few years, Kristofferson focused on acting. He appeared in Blume in Love (directed by Paul Mazursky) and Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (directed by Sam Peckinpah). He continued acting, in Sam Peckinpah's Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, Convoy, (another Sam Peckinpah film which was released in 1978), Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Vigilante Force, a film based on the Yukio Mishima novel The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea, and A Star Is Born (with Barbra Streisand), for which he received a Golden Globe Award for Best Actor and Flashpoint in 1984 (directed by William Tannen)."


Now, I'm gonna go easy on the scoring for this because most the Golden Globe is the Scrappy Doo of acting awards and because Muppets fucking rule.


Kris +2
Waylon +1

Current Scores

Kris- 12

Waylon- 4

Final Round! 

This is where I'll award points for things not covered in the other sections but that I believe merit consideration.

Waylon:

"During the early morning hours of February 3, 1959, the charter aircraft that carried Holly, Valens, and Richardson crashed outside Clear Lake, Iowa, killing all aboard. In his 1996 autobiography, Jennings admitted that, in the years afterward, he felt severe guilt and responsibility for the crash. After Jennings had given up his seat, Holly jokingly told Jennings, "I hope your ol' bus freezes up!" Jennings shot back facetiously, "Well, I hope your ol' plane crashes!" It was a statement that would haunt Jennings for decades".

WHAT THE FUCK WAYLON? YOU KILLED BUDDY HOLLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! The only reason I'm not taking points away from him is because "American Pie" is such a good fucking song and I feel his evil hexing sorcery may work from beyond the grave.

Kris: 

He has said that he would like the first three lines of Leonard Cohen's "Bird on the Wire" on his tombstone:

Like a bird on a wire

Like a drunk in a midnight choir

I have tried in my way to be free.

DAMMIT! Now I want a tombstone that says that. Do you have any idea what that is gonna cost? Way more than my last plan (selling my body to a pervy website), that's for damn sure. No points for you either buddy.

So, at the end of this grueling, completely unbiased bout lets see what we got:

Final Scores

Kris- 12

Waylon- 4

If you know anything about country music, I'm sure you're going to have some strong feelings about this decision. If you didn't know anything about country music, why the hell did you read this far? Anyway, now you do. You're welcome. And now I'll excuse myself, I have a hankerin' for some beef and some bourbon. Til' next time, may your socks stay dry and your mouth stay watering.