I am now a horror movie villain.

Bits of tid.

-I want to open a shop that just sells Hot Pockets and Natty Light. I call it, "The Brocery Store". Cue.

-The Church of Latter Day Saints website is almost entirely video content now, and nearly all of it is available from the front page, thus strengthening my belief that Mormons can't fucking read.
-George Micheal is currently quite ill. I hope he dies just to watch the media try to come up with reasons he was at all important.

- Wikipedia asked me if I knew: "... that the 21er Haus, located in Vienna, was originally constructed as the Austrian pavilion for Expo 58 in Brussels?", which I believe is it asking me if I'm a dork.

-List of Fictional Cats and Felines. There, you are now aware of the most thorough article on Wikipedia. Take that, Jesus (disambiguation). I know it can be hard to remember that this is an educational blog, what with all the fun we have, but I implore you to try.

-The Muppet Movie has a 98% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. That makes it better than Goodfellas. Watch it. Watch it right now.

-Oh, good! You're back! I hope the Muppet movie put you in high spirits, because this is going to ruin that. 

- Mexico City has been overrun by zombies. This completely changes my opinion on immigration. BUILD THE FENCE!

-It has come to my attention that the persons in the previous post were only pretending to be zombies. While I cannot support this sort of behavior (because of the obvious risk of "Boy Who Cried Zombie Syndrome"), I feel like a fence might be overreacting. GIVE THEM A STRONG TALKING TO!

-Don't laugh guys, this is serious. The Lollipop Guild has told us in an exclusive (and fictional) interview that they expect their economy to be based on tourism, chocolate making and the most vulgar, obscene pornography the internet has ever seen.

-The BBC has compiled this list of most liveable alien planets. Meaning, perhaps sometime in the near future, the world will finally begone of those damned, dirty Britons. 

Planet of the Apes is actually a documentary detailing what could have been had the British won the Revolutionary War. Or as they call it, Boxing Day.

Thanks for reading. If you liked this, pepper-spray a church. If you didn't, pepper-spray yourself. Toodles. 

Rot you pig-fucker.

Bil Keane died this week. His greatest contribution to the world was having a name that is similar to, albeit significantly dumber, than mine. He also wrote the surrealist newspaper comic, Family Circus. Family Circus strips will likely always be remembered for their almost magical ability to get children and adults alike to renounce their religion and turn to a career in arson. Today, we will look at some of his finest* work.
*"Finest" being determined by an algorithm that works by picking what comes up first on a google search.

Hey! Wait! That's actually funny! Is someone trying to pull a fast one on me? When does this become the senile ramblings of an old man?

Ah, much better. I think when your name is Barfy, you have slightly more important concerns than whether you fit on your Valium-head of an owner's lap, stomach cancer comes to mind.

I've never seen a car with glasses, you kids want to try some gasoline? Also, apparently either Jeff or Bil Keane (whoever colored this abomination) has never seen a carrot in their life. God, that was a grammatical minefield.

That's not your grandmother. And that talking she's doing, it's to social services, you kids better split before they send you off to school with Gilbert Grape.

Their parents, realizing that actual television would just confuse these little troglodytes, decided to glue a still image to a cardboard box. Those deformed little imps have been watching the same show for 50 odd years now. 

"Hey, Jeff! There's this thing called a Wii! Apparently, it's like fake sports! Do a comic about it!" Bil spat, in a grizzled, bellowing monotone. "What's the joke gonna be?" Jeff replied sheepishly. By that point, Bil had flushed the phone down the toilet and was wearing his shower curtain as a toga. Also, it appears the children caught on to the old still image trick, fortunately, the parents had a mirror lying around they tricked the kids into watching while they shot up heroin and fantasized about abortions. 

Haha. Kids can be so cruel.

Billy's guardian angel did, in fact, get laid off and is in the bedroom joining the parents in their morning ritual of drinking grain alcohol and neglecting their kids. Also, who the hell entrusted these kids with not one, but two canines? That citizen should be arrested. 

Heh, kids are stupid. Dolly can't hum OR get her consonants straight! What a little dumbass!

"It tastes a lot better with whiskey in it, kid." is what Dad would respond in a kind world. Seeing as this is the Family Circusverse, Dad's about to encourage Dolly to learn how to juggle using the coffee pot and three knives as balls. 

Maybe it was a bad idea to send Jeffy to Black Panther summer camp. Have you noticed that in all of these strips, Mom is only depicted in profile, sporting the same dead look on her face? I'm starting to believe she's a cardboard cutout designed by Dad to feel less lonely. There is deception afoot, dear readers.

From the horrified look on Billy's face, I'm guessing that book contains a little more than "Geography". 

They taste a lot better covered in sharpie. Yum! Carcinogens!

Seeing as P.J. apparently went Wolverine on the wall with his bare fingernails and is in the midst of a seizure, he might need more than a nap.

Christ. Have these two EVER seen a real human being? There is no other excuse for anatomy this bizarre. In this comic, P.J.'s ass begins about a inch below his possibly non-existent and extremely flexible neck. Bil Keane accidentally invented the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man when he was trying to reproduce Michealangelo's David. Also, these kids switch between having three or four fingers more often than the Olsen Twins change outfits. That's gotta hurt.

For a second, I was shocked that Billy knew how to read, then I realized that someone had given him a book full of straight black lines. Probably that mischievous Dad, trying to ensure Billy never learns what "High Voltage" means.  

R.I.P. Bil Keane. And that's not a condolence, that's a threat. If you come back as a zombie, I swear a blood oath that I will make your re-death a slow, slow, painful one.

Halloween Part Deux of Dos

For his troubles, he gained honorary membership to the National Sex Offender Registry.

I don't know what's scarier: this costume or the fact that there's a 24 pinball machine. Either way, I'm turning tail if I see either.

Either this guy is planning on stuffing his baby with candy or he himself is taking a child along so he can trick or treat. Regardless, way to go, man.

Spoooooky fact # 1: Being buff is not a costume.

Wow, Natalie Portman's costume looks REALLY good this year.

I'm sure all three of your friends will get the Firefly reference. And wonder how the hell Jayne knows about Fallout.

"Yes, I love awful pickup lines. Why do you ask?"

If my mind were a whiteboard, I'd wipe it clean right now. Since it's not, I can do nothing but tremble.

"Of course I plan on keeping the haircut. Yeah, I'm employed full-time. As a gargoyle."

The girl in the back decided to be awesome for Halloween.

Of all the kitten costumes I had to dredge through, this is the only one that made an attempt at paws. This poor young woman has obviously never looked at a cat's paws, but it's nice that she made the effort. 

This Halloween, I've decided to be cold.

This isn't a seasonal tattoo. That's actually his ex-girlfriend's name. He hates the holiday almost as much as he hates himself. 

Oh, it's Lucille Ball! You can tell from the red hair and the...cell phone?

It's Pat!

They don't even celebrate Halloween in Japan. This picture was taken in July.

Spoooooky tip # 2: A cheap camera effect is not a costume.

I'm no scientist, but that does NOT look very efficient. Open wide!

Spooooky tip # 3: Latisse and a "Wha Happen?" expression do not a costume make.

So there you have it. Halloween. I leave you with perhaps my favorite American folk tune. Enjoy.

Happy Halloween: A Seasonal Mega-Post

"I think I'll go as a four eyed humancorn. No, it'll totally work, I'll just smile like I'm beheading a baby just outside of the frame."

Oh, Halloween. Can any other holiday (Valentine's Day and New Year's excluded) bring us such delight or disappointment? As usual, I believe I'll focus on the disappointment. God, so much disappointment. 

Satan is always happy to take part in making innocent people go blind. Also worth noting is that Hello Kitty's head has clearly been severed from it's body; no wonder the dark lord is so pleased.

The girl on the left is going as a woman with a neon spaghetti noodle for a left arm. The other two have obviously never  heard of Halloween. 

This Halloween, Hulk Hogan dressed as a hipster meth-head version of himself. I think he nailed it, and likely his cousin.

Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!

Note to self: If I'm gonna get my ass beat, do it in late October. I can just dunk my head in a bag of flour and call it a costume.

No, I'm not giving you a hug. No, you can't sit down. Go home and take a shower. I hope you can get the paint to come off, the shame never will. 

Extra credit for being the exact same size and shape of Rick Ross's actual head.

Okay. This is just upsetting. All they needed to do was put on a dress the same color as their weird hat masks and tie a black belt around it to make this costume complete. As it is, they just look like they found some bizarre novelty condoms and failed sex ed. I thought for a long time that laziness, being an abstract concept, would be impossible to photograph. Clearly, I was wrong.

Dammit, some ducks stole crossing guard vests and sneaked into the party. Lucille, fetch the broom.

I want to make fun of something in this picture, but I honestly want to party with these kids.

Well, I really enjoyed sleeping most nights these past 22 years, guess that's over.

Stoners: Too lazy to actually carve a pumpkin for as long as they can remember.

DIY as fuck. Up the punx.

You'd think being a sailor would mean you'd at least occasionally see the sun. I'd make fun of this more, but I think this young lady with the Vitamin D deficiency is actually sort of cute, so I'll leave that to you.

More to come...

BoooooooOOOOOOoooOOOOOooOOOOOO!