Dewey is Dreary

The Dewey Decimal Classification system for libraries, or DDC for those in the know, was invented by Mevil Dewey in 1876 (presumably out of anger towards his lousy name). Since then, librarians have been very quietly and to some, sexily, debating the details of the system at their conferences, optometrist visits and child sacrifices. As a result, the number of categories in the system has grown slowly over time, with occasional periods of rapid expansion (much like the scar tissue in my liver). Some of these categories, to be quite frank, scare me to the point of only sleeping under heavy blankets and heavier sedation. Not wanting to be alone in my terror-induced catatonia, I thought I'd share.

Mildred Grunger (1915-). Founder, Chairwoman and sole member of the national DDC fan club, Florida chapter.

"093 Incunabula"- Incunabula is a religion practiced by some of the pacific islanders who settled on Hawaii. Ok, that's a lie. It's actually the word to describe disease carrying insects and pests. Ok, that's also a lie. Incunabula are actually some really old books. While it would be way cooler if this category instead contained books of a dangerous Latin American dance craze, it still has a way of rolling off the tongue (the way venom drips down a cobra's fang).

"737 Numismatics & sigillography"- This is a practical joke thought up by librarians.

"098 Prohibited works, forgeries, hoaxes"- This section can usually be found one floor below your library's bottom floor. Access is restricted to those strong in body, quick of wit and possessing only the purest intentions. God save us from the horrors that would occur otherwise.

"527 Celestial navigation"- The conflict in ET could have been resolved by a fifteen minute trip to the library. Good job Eliot, you shit-awful fuck-whore. 

"764 Chromolithography & serigraphy"- See "Numismatics & sigillography".

"216 No longer used—formerly Evil AND 217 No longer used—formerly Prayer"- I include this one, only because I am terrified to think of how many awkward conversations this unfortunate juxtaposition caused. 

"Hey, you're interested in prayer too? You should come to our prayer circle Saturday" Ann squeaked. 

"Sorry, busy sacrificing goats." Jeff grunted, dislodging a Cheeto that had been lodged in his beard since the previous Sunday.

Bad hoojoo dude. 

"125 No longer used—formerly Infinity"- Removed after causing feelings of meaninglessness and inadequacy in every librarian assigned to it. In most libraries, this used to be found in hallways with no discernible horizon past the staircase with no bottom.

"586 Cryptogamia (Seedless plants)"- The fact that this class of plant has crypt in the name only reaffirms my belief that they are terrifying abominations that came about only to add some credibility to otherwise flimsy horror movie plots.

"774 Holography"- Scary disappointing.

"137 Divinatory graphology"- Divinatory graphologists believe they can tell people's futures from their handwriting. If there are enough books on the subject to merit a category, there has got to be something to it. Bad news for me, since at their most legible my notes look like the page was pressed up to a lumberjack's inked up chest. I shudder to think of the fate of someone who modeled their handwriting after comic sans. 

 

My best guess.

Episode 1: Bizarre ways to die.

If you share my hobby of aimlessly opening wikipedia tabs until your browser becomes a demonic RAM-consuming, life-draining time-devourer, you may have already seen this page. While a fascinating read, the article contains so many entries it seems hard to separate the truly batshit from the only slightly unusual. Fortunately for you, I have taken the liberty of selecting and rating some of the best and worst of these demises for your education and betterment. I thank you in advance for your ample gratitude.

"401 BC: Mithridates, a soldier condemned for the murder of Cyrus the Younger, was executed by scaphism, surviving the insect torture 17 days."


Scaphism was a form of torture utilized by the Persians in which a terribly unlucky miscreant was punished by being bound and caged, force-fed milk and honey until it provoked severe diarrhea. Next, the shit-covered fellow was covered in honey and left to be eaten by insects. That's right, Mithridates survived a form of torture that sounds like it was yanked from a Wu-Tang inspired Datura trip for two and a half fucking weeks. To contrast, Nicholas Cage only managed to endure a PG-13 rated version of scaphism for ten seconds before gut-wrenchingly generating sounds not normally heard outside of the Tasmanian Devil's motel room. Wikipedia cautions that this story may be apocryphal, which I assume is geek-speak for "totally fuckin' badass."
8/10

"207 BC: Chrysippus, a Greek stoic philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs."

I'm giving this extra points because it was only 207 BC and I assume that watching a drunk donkey attempt to do eat figs was funnier than the next best source of humor at the time, watching little kids slip in piles of sidewalk feces. I could try to make a joke about how Chrysippus wasn't so stoic after all, or about how his name must've been damn near impossible to say while drunk, but neither would be funny and frankly his story doesn't deserve it.
4/10


"212: Lucius Fabius Cilo, a Roman senator of the 2nd century, "...choked...by a single hair in a draught of milk".


I'm going to put my own biases at bay for this one and settle it using cold, emotionless mathematics. I'll give it seven points for seeming insanely unlikely. I'll give it two more for sounding like an alternate ending to that awesome Viking legend about Balder and the mistletoe. Lastly, I'm subtracting nine points for making me fear death anytime I take a sip of goddamn anything for the rest of my anxiety-riddled life.
0/10 and I am immediately shaving my head. 


"1258: Al-Musta'sim was killed during the Mongol invasion of the Abbasid Caliphate. Hulagu Khan, not wanting to spill royal blood, wrapped him in a rug and had him trampled to death by his horses."


Unusual? Check. Domesticated animals turning against their masters? Check. Star Trek last name? Check. With a keen eye like that for loopholes, Hulagu could've made a killing (ugh) in the modern world instead of having his legacy buried under his pop-pop's shadow. Sadly, Hulagu will have to settle for being remembered as the guy who didn't let a little thing like his rampaging bloodlust stop him from keeping his carpets clean.
9/10


"1687: Jean-Baptiste Lully, composer, died of a gangrenous abscess after piercing his foot with a staff while he was vigorously conducting a Te Deum , as it was customary at that time to conduct by banging a staff on the floor. The performance was to celebrate the king's recovery from an illness."

Ignore for a second that a conductor is essentially an imperfect metronome wearing silly clothes, hard I know. Ignore also that he was conducting a Te Deum, which sounds like something they'd play in a dimly-lit church to the beat of the modestly-dressed parishioners self-flagellation. Those things aside, the dude basically killed himself by ROCKING OUT. It loses points for technically being a death by infection (yawn), but still rounds out at a pretty solid...
7/10


"1771: Adolf Frederick , king of Sweden, died on 12 February 1771 after having consumed a meal consisting of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, topped off with 14 servings of his favourite dessert: semla served in a bowl of hot milk. He is thus remembered by Swedish schoolchildren as "the king who ate himself to death."


A semla is basically a little cream filled swedish cookie. Now imagine a stately, Swedish king dying from doing his best Cookie Monster impersonation. Comedy gold. It's such a silly death Swedish schoolchildren are still laughing at it. Which is saying something, because if cartoons are as accurate as I believe they are, all Swedish children look like this: 

7/10