Dewey is Dreary

The Dewey Decimal Classification system for libraries, or DDC for those in the know, was invented by Mevil Dewey in 1876 (presumably out of anger towards his lousy name). Since then, librarians have been very quietly and to some, sexily, debating the details of the system at their conferences, optometrist visits and child sacrifices. As a result, the number of categories in the system has grown slowly over time, with occasional periods of rapid expansion (much like the scar tissue in my liver). Some of these categories, to be quite frank, scare me to the point of only sleeping under heavy blankets and heavier sedation. Not wanting to be alone in my terror-induced catatonia, I thought I'd share.

Mildred Grunger (1915-). Founder, Chairwoman and sole member of the national DDC fan club, Florida chapter.

"093 Incunabula"- Incunabula is a religion practiced by some of the pacific islanders who settled on Hawaii. Ok, that's a lie. It's actually the word to describe disease carrying insects and pests. Ok, that's also a lie. Incunabula are actually some really old books. While it would be way cooler if this category instead contained books of a dangerous Latin American dance craze, it still has a way of rolling off the tongue (the way venom drips down a cobra's fang).

"737 Numismatics & sigillography"- This is a practical joke thought up by librarians.

"098 Prohibited works, forgeries, hoaxes"- This section can usually be found one floor below your library's bottom floor. Access is restricted to those strong in body, quick of wit and possessing only the purest intentions. God save us from the horrors that would occur otherwise.

"527 Celestial navigation"- The conflict in ET could have been resolved by a fifteen minute trip to the library. Good job Eliot, you shit-awful fuck-whore. 

"764 Chromolithography & serigraphy"- See "Numismatics & sigillography".

"216 No longer used—formerly Evil AND 217 No longer used—formerly Prayer"- I include this one, only because I am terrified to think of how many awkward conversations this unfortunate juxtaposition caused. 

"Hey, you're interested in prayer too? You should come to our prayer circle Saturday" Ann squeaked. 

"Sorry, busy sacrificing goats." Jeff grunted, dislodging a Cheeto that had been lodged in his beard since the previous Sunday.

Bad hoojoo dude. 

"125 No longer used—formerly Infinity"- Removed after causing feelings of meaninglessness and inadequacy in every librarian assigned to it. In most libraries, this used to be found in hallways with no discernible horizon past the staircase with no bottom.

"586 Cryptogamia (Seedless plants)"- The fact that this class of plant has crypt in the name only reaffirms my belief that they are terrifying abominations that came about only to add some credibility to otherwise flimsy horror movie plots.

"774 Holography"- Scary disappointing.

"137 Divinatory graphology"- Divinatory graphologists believe they can tell people's futures from their handwriting. If there are enough books on the subject to merit a category, there has got to be something to it. Bad news for me, since at their most legible my notes look like the page was pressed up to a lumberjack's inked up chest. I shudder to think of the fate of someone who modeled their handwriting after comic sans. 

 

My best guess.