If ya'd known me then...

Wanna kill me? Have you been holding a grudge for whatever reason? Did I spill a drink on you or call you something you suspect is a curse word in Spanish? Please do it today. I scanned 421 separate fucking letters between douschebags in four fucking hours. I'm obviously no longer human. No jury would convict you. It'd be just like tossing your toaster in a garbage compactor.

Just please, not this one.

I'm feeling a little burnt out from my day at work (like Lincoln felt a little burnt out after his night at the theater) so I'm gonna do an easy post today. Blogatmebro showed me this little list of easy ideas, so I figure I'll tackle a few of them (though not literally, as my feet are equal parts blood and blister).

I know this is kinda square but I suppose I'll start with number one.

FIVE WAYS TO WIN MY HEART

I know of only one proper way to win my heart, so I'll substitute steps for ways.

Step 1: Finding Me

This should be pretty simple. To quote every drunk friend I've run into in the past three months "JOO NEVURR HANNG OUT ANYMOR!". So I'll be at home. Or, more often than I'd like, at work. Easiest step by far. 

Step 2: Capturing Me

This should still be a pretty easy step. Sure, I'm kind of a husky guy with a little MMA training and alcohol-induced pain tolerance but I'm still a total klutz. Besides, this is kind of exactly what all sorts of tools are for.

What the fuck is a nail?

Step 3: Transporting Me

This is definitely the toughest step. Good luck getting my drunk, bleeding, buxom Cuban ass anywhere. A car or truck is a must, as is at least two or three physically fit individuals. I'd advise you to lift with your legs and not your back, but you'll hurt yourself either way. Who knew bacon addiction was a viable self-defense strategy? Anyway, once you get my incapacitated husk to an appropriate place it's time to start thinking about...

Step 4: Dedicating Me to a God

The difficulty here is going to be which god to choose. The Jewish God hasn't been heard from in a while and it's unlikely my weak, greasy heart is gonna bring him out of hiding. The Christian God seems to frown on blood sacrifice unless it's mandated by semi-literate oil heirs. Which of the big three leaves only Allah, who is getting enough bad press without you, thank you very much. So you're left with the gods of antiquity. Despite Thor's current popularity due to the Summer blockbuster he's probably a bad choice unless you want to get Loki all jealous and inadvertently set a tsunami on Sri Lanka or some shit. I personally am gonna recommend Acan in case all that 2012 stuff is true. Plus, I think it'd appreciate the buzz it'd catch off my ticker.

Step 5: Removing the Heart

If you've come this far I think you know exactly what you need to do. 

Now that I'm done I feel like I may have misunderstood this prompt. Oh well. Cheers to that.