Go ahead, call it a comeback.

HOLY SHIT GUYS! You will not believe who I scored an interview with. Last night, I was lucky enough to recognize 90's Nickelodeon superstar Doug Mayhew. I got even luckier when he agreed to do an interview with me over lunch. Here is the transcript of our conversation.


Q: So, Mr. Mayhew, you were a major force at Nickelodeon for over ten years, during which time you came up with some hits.

A: Could we not use that word?


Q: Hit?


A: *noticably cringes* 


Q: Um, sure. Let's start by talking about Doug. Enormously popular show. I think a lot of kids sympathized with his issues and with the awkwardness of growing up portrayed in the show. Was that based on your childhood at all?


A: Well, the original pilot I sent to the studio was a little, what did they call it? The words "deeply upsetting" were thrown around a lot. 


Q: Could you elaborate?


A: Well, Mr. Dink for instance was based on an imaginary friend I had as a child. I liked to pretend that instead of my dad spending hours tweaking nipple clamps to be as painful as technologically possible, that a kindly but eccentric neighbor was building me gadgets. I thought it would be obvious, what with Dink being an obviously fictional surname and his income stream being highly improbabale.


Q: Wow. Did any other characters see changes due to executive meddling? 


A: Well, in my real life, Patti Mayonnaise was an actual jar of mayonnaise I grew extremely emotionally attached to. She was my first and I miss her to this day. I'm pretty upset they changed that aspect.


Q: I always thought it was interesting that most of the supporting cast was colored shades of blue and green. Was that you attacking the construct of race?


A: Well, I didn't meet another actual child until well into my teens but I was told by my parents on a daily basis that children were Satan's demons contained in a vaguely humanoid shell. It's been fifty years since then and I still have a hard time seeing them any other way.


Q: I understand you were also involved in the production of Rugrats.


A: That is correct.


Q: Did you put any of your childhood into that show?


A: Yes, but in a more subtle way this time. My parents would constantly force me to drastically alter my appearance every few months, claiming to be disgusted by my face. They tried everything from putting glasses and fake freckles on me to putting me in dresses and pigtails. So, each of the children on Rugrats or as I wanted to call it Satan's Littlest Helpers was one of the personalities I developed while forced to take on these different appearances.


Q: I can tell your uncomfortable talking about that.

A: I'm not.


Q: That makes me even more uncomfortable. Let's move on. CatDog?


A: You've never read Freud have you? *much angrier* HAVE YOU?


Q: Bits and pieces...


A: Well, are you familiar with the concept of anal retention?


Q: Where a young child is afraid to release the contents of his bowels?


A: More or less, though in my case it was less fear and more anatomic impossibility. I was born with my erm... cheeks, fused together. My parents opted not to tell the doctor, claiming that it was just one less hole for demons to enter.


Q: Why a cat and dog?


A: My parents kept eight of each. At first they didn't get along. Later, they learned my blood was far sweeter than each other's.


Q: *I signal the waiter for another beer, contemplate and order a double whisky instead* I'm a little afraid to ask. But erm, AHHH! Real Monsters, was that zebra colored monster based on a can your parent's hit you with?


A: That's just fucking stupid. It's a show about monsters. Real ones. My parents used a morningstar. 


Q: I see. You were on the creative team briefly and apparently you came up with the character designs for both Hey Arnold and his grandfather, do you want to talk about that?


A: Well, once I turned eight, my parents tried to get me onto a football team.


Q: That sounds nice.

A: The team was the Denver Broncos. 


Q: That explains the football shaped head, I suppose. What about Grandpa? Was that based on a family member?


A: Well, my grandfather died in...um...a... uh...accident. Definitely not ritual murder. So, the only time I ever saw him out of the urn is when I caught my mom doing a bump of his ashes off her filet knife.


Q: Wow, I'm looking at your IMDB sheet here, you're quite prolific. It says you helped create Rocko's Modern Life. 


A: Well, when one time I decided to write a letter to social services. The stamp I licked and affixed to the envelope I pieced together from cigarette butts and scrapings from the inside of glue bags turned out to be a highly potent dose of LSD. When my parents saw my normally closed eyes open and dilated, they exacted their punishment by breaking into a petting zoo and leaving me there over night. I like to think of every scar I have from that night as part of the Rocko legacy.


Q: Wow.


A: Wanna hear about Alex Mack?

Q: Actually, um, could we just get the check?


A: How much do I owe you? 


Q: *Hastily dropping a fifty on the table and moving towards the door* Really, it's no problem... there should be some extra there. Get yourself a drink, I really, really should go. 

A: Well, I don't really drink out of cups since...


Q: Later!


And there you have it folks. If there are any other celebrities you'd like to see interviewed, do it yourself. I'm fucking done.