Things I do not get paid enough to do.

So, in the spirit of worker's rights and as a stance against economic inequity, I've decided to form a union. Now, traditionally, unions get their strength from their numbers. Their numbers allow them to effectively negotiate agreements with management and secure things like better working conditions, higher pay and more cushiony toilet paper. 
My union will be slightly different. First of all, I will be its only member. Secondly, while most unions get their power from their size or from solidarity within the community, my union will get its bargaining power mostly because all my bosses think I can and will beat them savagely at a moment's notice. Lastly, while most unions have lame names like "AFL-CIO" (insert your own silly acronym joke here), my union will be different. My union's name (selected after extensive research by my PR team, which consists of me and a bottle of single malt) is "The Coalition of Super Radical Awesomites dedicated to Economic Awesome". Here are our (read: my) demands.


Union members will no longer have to perform the following tasks:
-Anything involving a toilet.
-Anything involving a typewriter. (If you think that this being 2011, this would not be a necessary clause, you have a better job than I do.
- Storing physical copies of anything less important than blood pacts with cosmic deities. 
- Running to the supermarket to pick up bottled water.
- Doing anything involving bottled water. Seriously, we have a fucking Brita, people.
- Trying to haggle with AT&T.
- Trying to haggle, period. I am not trying to get a durian for ten fewer ruples, I'm dealing with massive fucking corporations here. 
- Fixing anyone's computer issue without being allowed a break afterwards long enough to slowly savor a nice Martini.
-You know what? Fuck your computer. Seriously, what even compelled you to GET Bonzi Buddy? Are you five?

Fucking terrible. Also, you may want to brush up on punctuation, you stupid purple fuck.

-Lifting anything heavier than a notepad, unless I: A) Look totally badass doing it. B) Get to hit something with it.
-Laughing at jokes to seem polite.
-Really, doing anything to seem polite.
-Calling code enforcement for anything other than mischief and mayhem.
-Waiting to reply to text messages. I don't care if I'm in the middle of defusing a bomb, if the lovely lady I fancy says something sweet I'm sending a smiley, dammit.
-That said, I am done smiling at work. Unless my boss has a serious medical emergency, in which case, all bets are off.


I figure that's a solid start. If this goes as planned, I plan on instituting further policies:
-Union members will not be asked to wear anything less comfortable than a freshly laundered silk toga.
-Union members will not be made to drink anything that has not been dosed, fermented or distilled.
-Union members will try to make it to the toilet, but will not be reprimanded should they fail.


I feel like this arrangement should work to the benefit of all. Well, except management. But fuck 'em. I'm union now.