If you realize that maybe some of these pronouns could use clarification, congratulations, you are overqualified to write for www.mormon.org. Notice how little the blurb tells you about how Paris is doing these days. Sure, he looks happy, but maybe his face is stuck like that after some horrific accident. And here's a thought: how did Paris's brother die anyhow? Was he murdered by the church to add some more pathos to this otherwise dull tale? I hope not, because it sure didn't help.
Welcome to Mormonworld, where secular "painting teachers" are so opposed to marriage they're willing to share their feelings with near-strangers. Well, listen here Mr./Ms. Painting Teacher! Rose ain't having it! She's gonna have a million goddamn babies, and she's gonna buy them diapers by selling her latest painting: "Two Babies Hanging Out in Front of a Neonatal Galaxy". Take that, liberal elite! (Editor's note: I took the liberty of removing all eight jokes about the girth and stench of a Mormon uterus. You're welcome.)
WOAH! NORMAN IS ONE WILD PHYSICIST! HE'S A MAN OF SCIENCE AND FAITH?! HOT DAMN! MOVE OVER, KEITH RICHARDS; PARTY PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, MEET YOUR NEW MESSIAH! NOW YOU'RE THINKING: "HOLY SHIT! THIS NORMAN GUY COULDN'T GET ANY WILDER!". BUT WAIT, HE'S A MUSIC-LOVER ALSO! HOW CAN HE BE THIS WILD?! P.s. Norman rhymes with Mormon.
What do you do when you get stressed out or depressed? Listen to your favorite band? Have a drink with friends? Read a book? Deborah used to do all those things too, until she found the ultimate cure for depression: think about people with really depressing lives. Since reading about Deborah, I have been using this approach myself. If I get lonely, I think about the man who lost his family and both of his legs when a bomb landed on his house and it brings a smile to my face. When she's not thinking about starving orphans and touching herself, Deborah likes to kiss little girls who look like blotchy slack-jawed mutants.
"Okay guys, you're doing great! Now, if you could tilt your head to the side, squint real hard and give me a smile that looks like God drew your face wrong. Good job, folks! Check's in the mail."
What am I doing writing this blog? Seriously? I have to worry about saying things people want and are able to read. I could have a stroke while singing the national anthem into Portugese voice recognition software and produce a statement with a stronger basie of this. Screw you, David Martinez. Right in your tee-totaling face.
Did you know that until 1978 blacks were banned from attaining priesthood in the mormon church? True story. Also, "Until the 1970s hospitals with connections to the LDS church, including LDS Hospital, Primary Children's and Cottonwood Hospitals in Salt Lake City, McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden, and Utah Valley Hospital in Provo, kept separate the blood donated by blacks and whites." (wikipedia)
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