Gift Exchange Shenanigans

Howdy all. As my contribution to a gift exchange a few days ago, I offered to write a children's book about whoever drew my prize. Now, I'm not exactly sure what a children is, but here goes nothing.

The Adventures of Brave King Paul

On the morn' so cold it would reduce a polar bear to tears, Brave King Paul stood naked, his body like a glistening God's, on his balcony, surveying the wide breadth of his kingdom.

What Paul saw with his keen eyes caused him to bellow with surprise. The ensuing avalanche would claim countless lives.

The avalanche.

Wondering if perhaps it was just his eyes playing tricks on him after another exhausting night of drinking whisky by the barrel and loving women by the dozen, he called his brother and trusted sheriff Bernard to his side.

"GREAT ODIN'S RAVENS! Surely my eyes deceive me!" But deceive was the one thing Brave Bernard's eyes could not do. Many furlongs away, obscured by a wall of fearsome frost, a wicked beast approached at tremendous speed.

Paul was puzzled, but when provoked, Paul was not a person who paused to ponder. He called for his army, causing another tragic avalanche.

R.I.P.

Knowing his army was no match for the foul beast, Paul grabbed his famed sword, K'runch known in all the realms as the maker of widows, the father of orphans and genocide's fierce bedfellow. 

With violence incarnate grasped firmly in his statuesque hand, Paul and his allies marched to the gates of his kingdom, ready to face this horrid result of interdimensional inbreeding. 

Admit it, you would watch this movie.

The beast struck quickly, it's tentacles thrashing about like the whips of one thousand foremen. It spewed acid from it's horrid visage, displeasing Paul immensely.

His troops were scattered, his previously immaculate hair sodden by one of the foulest of Hell's beasts, Paul's bloodlust remained unsatisfied and all-consuming. Paul decided to give this beast a taste of it's own medicine.

Though his skin was a scaly material not unlike reptilian titanium, the mighty K'runch in Paul's mighty hand was sharp enough to slice open his throat, unleashing a forceful shower of his blood, which at this point was a lethal mix of magma and hate. The creature stood shaken but not defeated. The battle raged on.

And on.

And on some more.

With both Paul and the beast growing weary and dangerously low on their bodily humors, they summoned every bit of their strength and charged into each other with the force of an elder God's balls striking a volcano during a passionate embrace. 

After regaining his senses, Paul looked at the sorrow their clash has brought, his kingdom in ruins, his army decimated, bloodstains on his clothes he was NEVER going to get out. The beast, still clutching onto dear life, shared a look of mutual respect with King Paul. Paul knew he would have to repopulate his kingdom anew, and he knew the only being worthy of being his queen.

After they had made their love, Paul looked again at his new wife and saw her transformed! No longer a mind-breaking abomination, his bride was instead a beauty worthy of the admiration she would so easily engender.

Brave King Paul rebuilt his kingdom with the help of his beautiful wife, their veritable army of loin-product and his trusty hat-maker, Joseph. 

Fin.