Halloween Part Deux of Dos

For his troubles, he gained honorary membership to the National Sex Offender Registry.

I don't know what's scarier: this costume or the fact that there's a 24 pinball machine. Either way, I'm turning tail if I see either.

Either this guy is planning on stuffing his baby with candy or he himself is taking a child along so he can trick or treat. Regardless, way to go, man.

Spoooooky fact # 1: Being buff is not a costume.

Wow, Natalie Portman's costume looks REALLY good this year.

I'm sure all three of your friends will get the Firefly reference. And wonder how the hell Jayne knows about Fallout.

"Yes, I love awful pickup lines. Why do you ask?"

If my mind were a whiteboard, I'd wipe it clean right now. Since it's not, I can do nothing but tremble.

"Of course I plan on keeping the haircut. Yeah, I'm employed full-time. As a gargoyle."

The girl in the back decided to be awesome for Halloween.

Of all the kitten costumes I had to dredge through, this is the only one that made an attempt at paws. This poor young woman has obviously never looked at a cat's paws, but it's nice that she made the effort. 

This Halloween, I've decided to be cold.

This isn't a seasonal tattoo. That's actually his ex-girlfriend's name. He hates the holiday almost as much as he hates himself. 

Oh, it's Lucille Ball! You can tell from the red hair and the...cell phone?

It's Pat!

They don't even celebrate Halloween in Japan. This picture was taken in July.

Spoooooky tip # 2: A cheap camera effect is not a costume.

I'm no scientist, but that does NOT look very efficient. Open wide!

Spooooky tip # 3: Latisse and a "Wha Happen?" expression do not a costume make.

So there you have it. Halloween. I leave you with perhaps my favorite American folk tune. Enjoy.

Happy Halloween: A Seasonal Mega-Post

"I think I'll go as a four eyed humancorn. No, it'll totally work, I'll just smile like I'm beheading a baby just outside of the frame."

Oh, Halloween. Can any other holiday (Valentine's Day and New Year's excluded) bring us such delight or disappointment? As usual, I believe I'll focus on the disappointment. God, so much disappointment. 

Satan is always happy to take part in making innocent people go blind. Also worth noting is that Hello Kitty's head has clearly been severed from it's body; no wonder the dark lord is so pleased.

The girl on the left is going as a woman with a neon spaghetti noodle for a left arm. The other two have obviously never  heard of Halloween. 

This Halloween, Hulk Hogan dressed as a hipster meth-head version of himself. I think he nailed it, and likely his cousin.

Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!

Note to self: If I'm gonna get my ass beat, do it in late October. I can just dunk my head in a bag of flour and call it a costume.

No, I'm not giving you a hug. No, you can't sit down. Go home and take a shower. I hope you can get the paint to come off, the shame never will. 

Extra credit for being the exact same size and shape of Rick Ross's actual head.

Okay. This is just upsetting. All they needed to do was put on a dress the same color as their weird hat masks and tie a black belt around it to make this costume complete. As it is, they just look like they found some bizarre novelty condoms and failed sex ed. I thought for a long time that laziness, being an abstract concept, would be impossible to photograph. Clearly, I was wrong.

Dammit, some ducks stole crossing guard vests and sneaked into the party. Lucille, fetch the broom.

I want to make fun of something in this picture, but I honestly want to party with these kids.

Well, I really enjoyed sleeping most nights these past 22 years, guess that's over.

Stoners: Too lazy to actually carve a pumpkin for as long as they can remember.

DIY as fuck. Up the punx.

You'd think being a sailor would mean you'd at least occasionally see the sun. I'd make fun of this more, but I think this young lady with the Vitamin D deficiency is actually sort of cute, so I'll leave that to you.

More to come...

BoooooooOOOOOOoooOOOOOooOOOOOO!

I really need a better hobby.

I included this along with a paper I wrote on the differences between Bedouin and Iranian veiling practices. I'm not sure why either. 

About the Typeface

"Trebuchet MS is a humanist sans-serif typeface designed by Vincent Connare for the Microsoft Corporation in 1996. It is named after the trebuchet, a medieval catapult. The name was inspired by a puzzle question that Connare heard at Microsoft headquarters: "Can you make a trebuchet that could launch a person from main campus to the new consumer campus about a mile away? Mathematically, is it possible and how?" Connare "thought that would be a great name for a font that launches words across the Internet"."[1] Trebuchet is known for being bold as well as elegant and for being as graceful as it is masculine. [2] It is widely believed that Vincent Connare created the font after being visited by angels in his sleep. [citation needed] Trebuchet is equally well-suited for both business and personal letters, e-mails or facsimiles. Many experts consider it their "go-to" font for seducing a rival's significant other. [3] The font is the official font of the State of Maine, Harvard University and the '96 Chicago Bulls. [source withheld] Trebuchet hopes you have a nice day. 

1. Vincent Connare (April 24, 1997). "Trebuchet Nation". Microsoft Corporation. Retrieved September 7, 2010.

2. Me. (October 25th, 2011). "About the Typeface". 

3. Seems made-up.

The Tao of @Shaq

If you at all value your mind, you may want to go out for a walk right about now. I guarantee you, it will be blown. 

The creepiest part about this is how nonchalant about the whole thing. She seems like she'd totally give that little boy some Viagra if he had a good enough reason. That said, erectile dysfunction is HILARIOUS.

While there are quite a few fishy things about Shaq (he's never responded to accusations that he is two tallish fat children standing on each other's shoulders), I am fairly certain I do not want them on my phone, and I CERTAINLY do not want them in HD.

Shaq has never personally needed to use a paternity test as his children are easily identified by their tendency to burst out of the womb four months into the pregnancy.

Shaq was so impressed by this soup he decided to leave the building and its employees intact and undigested. What a swell guy.

I do not think Twitter means what you think it means.

There is a minor problem with this idea. President Barack Obama is a human. Shaq's fitness advice, while sound, is more suited for bears, particularly virile demons or any other creatures that devour baby deers for an afternoon snack.

Oddly enough, only fifteen seconds of reading Shaq's twitter also is a minute of happiness you will never get back. 

I know I've been doing this too long when I think history would make MORE sense if Shaq was Marie Antoinette.

O_O

Despite Shaq's best efforts ( done done done done), I still cannot see what happens when you put a duck in front of a tiger, though I imagine it's a lot like putting Shaqs in front of an In and Out Burger.

I think I'm going to go lie down now. Here's to hoping I wake up. 

USA! USA!

In honor of Columbus Day, I have taken it upon myself to bring you the most perfect posts from the paragon of pure patriotism that is Tumblr. Please forgive me.

Note that this isn't a navel ring, but rather a "Belly Ring" which you may know better by its other name: "belt".

The reason this man is choosing to remain anonymous is because he just ruined convertibles, cigarettes and tattoos for everyone. Thanks, ass.

Wow. If this photo isn't doctored then anyone calling this person "thin as a rail" is actually exaggerating her girth. 

I am actually pretty okay with this. Carry on.

I guess they just american't understand capitalization or basic aesthetics.  Also,  I don't know if Tumblr has an age restriction, but I'm pretty sure eight year old children should not be Tumbling other than down staircases.

If this pooka-shell necklace wearing douchebag  is in charge of protecting the "American Way", I'd say the "American Dream" is about as safe as an unattended drink at an AA meeting. I'm more intimidated by the inexplicable cardboard cut-out in the background, to be honest. 

A fashionable pick for the cultist who loves their country. Sacrifice infants in style in this American flag patterned idon'tevenknowwhatthefuck. 

One cum stain too many on your jean shorts? Don't throw them away, cover them up with shredded pieces of your nation's icon instead!

What better symbol of our nation's strength than something that could explode if a child pokes it too vigorously?  Oh, anything else? Right. 

Today I learned, Americans fucking LOVE decapitating bald eagles.

So there you go, now go out and hug a flag or wear one or something. I'm not sure I get how this patriotism thing works yet. Tips and advice welcome.