The Tao of @Shaq

If you at all value your mind, you may want to go out for a walk right about now. I guarantee you, it will be blown. 

The creepiest part about this is how nonchalant about the whole thing. She seems like she'd totally give that little boy some Viagra if he had a good enough reason. That said, erectile dysfunction is HILARIOUS.

While there are quite a few fishy things about Shaq (he's never responded to accusations that he is two tallish fat children standing on each other's shoulders), I am fairly certain I do not want them on my phone, and I CERTAINLY do not want them in HD.

Shaq has never personally needed to use a paternity test as his children are easily identified by their tendency to burst out of the womb four months into the pregnancy.

Shaq was so impressed by this soup he decided to leave the building and its employees intact and undigested. What a swell guy.

I do not think Twitter means what you think it means.

There is a minor problem with this idea. President Barack Obama is a human. Shaq's fitness advice, while sound, is more suited for bears, particularly virile demons or any other creatures that devour baby deers for an afternoon snack.

Oddly enough, only fifteen seconds of reading Shaq's twitter also is a minute of happiness you will never get back. 

I know I've been doing this too long when I think history would make MORE sense if Shaq was Marie Antoinette.

O_O

Despite Shaq's best efforts ( done done done done), I still cannot see what happens when you put a duck in front of a tiger, though I imagine it's a lot like putting Shaqs in front of an In and Out Burger.

I think I'm going to go lie down now. Here's to hoping I wake up.