Ziggy is Terrible

Well, just about every newspaper comic strip is atrocious, this is obvious to all four people who still read newspapers. Today, however, my ire seems to be directing itself towards the pen and paper abomination that is Ziggy. 

Seen here trying to hug you, sans pants.

Ziggy was first published in 1969, and continues to run in newspapers to this day, likely in an attempt to get more Americans to believe in Satan. The premise of Ziggy is simple, the man is a short, pathetic loser whose only friends are animals he has lured into his home, likely with promises of a quick and merciful death to save them the pain of remembering his wretched face. In fact, to call Ziggy a short pathetic man is an insult to short, pathetic men everywhere. Ziggy makes George Costanza look like Michael Jordan on stilts. To put this in perspective: if you told Charlie Brown that he would grow up to be Ziggy, he would ask Lucy to set up the football right at the edge of a cliff. Every time a newspaper picks up Ziggy, doctors in the area start writing up Zoloft prescription. Let's take a look at some strips, shall we?

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Reading Ziggy As A Pregnant Women May Result in Fetal Injury, Premature Birth, And Low Birth Weight.

Apparently, Ziggy has taken a dramatically dadaist turn since I last read it.  If this were any other comic, I would quip about how that is most definitely a joke about ejaculation. However, since this is Ziggy, I find myself vomiting in my mouth instead.

The sommelier, in a noble attempt to put poor Ziggy out of his misery has replaced  his wine with anti-freeze. Little does he know that Ziggy's body has been exposed to far more corrosive toxins in his oft-attempted, never successful attempts to numb his pain. Ziggy is still so touched by the gesture, he manages to squeeze a single tear out of his eye, an act akin to squeezing blood from a desert stone.

What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why can't I just sleep forever?

Upon seeing this panel, Reggae superstar Ziggy Marley had his name legally changed to Charles. 

Tom Wilson's sense of humor is so dry it makes sand feel uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure he just pops a leather flip-flop in the oven at 375 degrees for an hour every morning and pulls out a Ziggy strip.

Ziggy is perfectly okay with the fact that his hideously deformed. vaguely avian friend understands the logistics of online auctions. He is, however, having a harder time understanding how he operated a computer with no fingers.

This comic reveals that Ziggy is as morally repulsive as he is physically so by incinerating his only friend's children right before her eyes.

This must be Ziggy's Eskimo equivalent, despite his substantial girth and what I imagine is a fairly well-developed tolerance to the cold, the Eskimo refuses to remove his parka in weather warm enough to traipse around in the buff. Perhaps our protagonist (and I use that term reluctantly) has finally found a  human friend.

Sound advice from the goutish teapot to the kettle. Fuck this, I need a drink.