Ah, it feels nice to ramble again.

Just thoughts, dripping from my brain and out of my mouth like trash juice from a worn-out dumpster. Commence the babbling.

- A good friend of mine took great pleasure in sarcastically referring to her douchebag of a supervisor as "Boss". I've taken this to it's logical confusion and only address my boss as "Godfather", "Skipper" or "Comandante". You would not believe what this has done for my attitude.

- Tomorrow, in lieu of my usual work duties, I will be house sitting as movers clear out an apartment. According to my boss, I'm there to stop them from stealing anything. You read that correctly, I am supposed to stop people whose job it is to remove everything from a home and load it into a truck from stealing anything. I may need to do some research.

- On the sunny side of things, one of my co-workers bought a pound of Jelly-Bellys for the office. I love them more than just about any other candy. However, as a warning to the overly ambitious, licorice + watermelon + bubblegum tastes like (and likely is) poison.

- I woke up a tad inebriated this morning and took a couple of muscle relaxers because apparently, my unconscious self is incredibly comfortable in the piledriver position. This combination does not lend itself to combination. I stumbled my way to the cafeteria in hopes that some good ol' Cuban coffee would cure my case of Gumby legs. On my third wobble into the cafe gravity took its toll on me and my back made good friends with the floor. The cafeteria ladies, being quite fond of me, blamed themselves and the fact that the floor was slightly moist instead of coming to the conclusion that I was zonked out of my mind (note: zonked makes it through spell-check). This resulted in a free cup of the coffee I so desperately craved. It did nothing for my coordination, but wonders for my mood.

- When having to tear a lot of perforated paper, I've begun imaging the sheet as a demon that I am rending in half with my bare hands. I should probably mention these things to a professional.

- Last point, I just today realized that all the places I send mail to have mail rooms. That means that some poor soul out there has to decipher the Picassoesque hieroglyphics I hastily scrawl on the outgoing envelopes. If I ever meet a mail room worker, I'm buying a tall, strong and expensive one, lord knows he's earned it.

More thoughts to come, thanks for reading!

The nerdiest thing I have ever written. Run away while you can.

Marvel 30 Day Minute Challenge

Day #1: Your favorite character

Dr. Victor Von Motherfucking Doom

So, on the day the Fantastic Four got their powers, some quantum combobulator thingamawhirl blew up and left a little scratch on his face. Did he put on a band-aid on it? Hell no. He went off into the Himalayas and forged himself a sweet-ass mask. Most people would wait for it to cool off or at least blow on it a few times. Most people aren't Doctor Fucking Doom. He put that baby on straight out of the oven and didn't even whine about it or anything. Now he has a badass suit of armor, a trove of magical artifacts, his own country, hundreds of robot duplicates with the power to level cities and can resist mind control just because. Take that, Richards.

Day #2: Your favorite villain

STILT-MAN!!!

Now, I know you're probably thinking "Well, Doctor Doom is a villain." But you are also  wrong, very wrong. A.) He's too cool to be evil. B.) He is way too good at lounging to be evil. Now, Stiltman is a guy who decided the easiest way to rob banks was to get REALLY tall. That's just plain vile. Think about how he makes short people feel. Plain rotten, that's how.

Day #3: Your favorite diva

That white streak is one of the most beautiful things ever put to paper.

Day #4: Your favorite royal

He led a nation of Inhuman super-powered country-shattering beings without speaking a single word. I can't even order a burger without yammering for a solid minute and a half. Props to this guy.

Day #5: Your favorite team

Bullseye AND Ares. Man, if I was in better shape and could commit to anything longer than a  thirty  minute blog post, I'd so be cosplaying as those guys every goddamn day.

Day #6: Your favorite organization

Who designed these outfits? It looks like someone made their beekeeper suit while watching marathons of "What Not to Wear". That's IDGAF at it's prime. 

How few fucks do they give, do you ask? Well, that's their leader. For real.

Day #7: Your favorite creature

The Marvel Universe has RAPTORS. What else would I pick?

Day #8: Your favorite movie

I guess it's not technically Marvel, but it doesn't contradict canon, so I'm keeping it, goddammit.

Day #9: Your favorite classic character

He's the lord of the fucking seas. Which means he can fly. Confusing? Yes. Awesome? Hell yes.  Try to see past the ridiculous costume, oh wait, you probably didn't notice it because you were busy staring at those awesome fucking abs. Worry not, I was too.

Day #10: Your favorite costume

One of the three things that can make me giggle. Please get Kristen Schaal to play her. Like, now.

Day #11: Your favorite power

This articulate fellow is the Walrus. I'll let Wikipedia do the rest: "Enhanced strength and resistance to injury, good at crossword puzzles, ability to distract enemies by making them laugh hysterically." I guess that's technically two but you try picking between those. You'll go mad.

Day #12: Your favorite weapon

GIGANTIC FUCKING STILTS! HE GETS SO TALL! LOOK AT THAT SHIT!

Day #13: Your least favorite character

"Hey guys, let's make this character. He'll be like the Hulk, but you know, red!" "Alright, but only if we can stretch his storyline out for a year and light him on fire." "Deal."

Day #14: Your favorite romance

Ah, what I'd give to be young again.

Day #15: The best rivalry

Who cares if it's silly that a trained marine with full body armor and an arsenal that could fill Warren Buffet's garage can't take out a blind guy in tights? Their rivalry RULES.

Day #16: The most powerful character

Stan Lee's derives his powers from a steady intake of fiber, a daily morning walk and terrifying levels of senility.

Day #17: Your favorite god

He has a  gun. He has super-strength, is damn-near indestructible, and still is pragmatic enough to own a gun. I  nominate him as the new NRA spokesperson.

Day #18: Your favorite comic to screen character adaptation

Jon Favreau, Robert Downey Jr., JEFF BRIDGES, oh yeah, the robots were sweet too.

Day #19: Your least favorite comic to screen character adaptation

Evanescence. Fucking Evanescence. Why? WHY?!

Day #20: Your best casting of a character (if you were casting)

SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAAAAN!

Day #21: The most memorable death

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Day #22: Your favorite universe/dimension

Would've said Ultimate, and then this bullshit happens. Jeph Loeb should be eaten from the inside out by an angry colony of wasps. Over and over and over. 

Day #23: The best form of transportation

It gets great gas mileage.

Day #24: Your favorite cartoon adaptation

God, the only way I could enjoy this more is if I was anywhere near the age for the target demographic.

Day #25: Your favorite video game

You lose your right to speak if you ever, for any reason , play as Sentry. Fact.

Day #26: Your favorite elementalist

Who else? That human torch asshole? Glad they killed that sucker. If only he could stay dead.

Day #27: Your favorite non-human race

Still an obvious pick.

Day #28: Your favorite comic time period

Back when Liefield was still top dog. Modern artists are all about "rational anatomy" and "detailed line work". Liefield understood what sold comics, Captain America with a huge rack.

Day #29: Your favorite series you would suggest to read

Even if he's a loony in real life, Frank Miller's Daredevil was pret-ty damn sweet.

Day #30: Your favorite Marvel Event

Was considering "Archie Meets the Punisher" but I'm sure you all already own that. All of you that matter, that is.

 

These two had the same voice actor...

Mr. Roger Klotz

Phillip J. Fry

In other news, the calls are now pouring in from Ramons all over the world. My boss is serenading them. I asked him what was going on and he asked me where Ramon was. "On his way" seemed like the best response.

Update: Now he's screaming "La Muerte!" over and over again. This is getting eerie. Don't worry, I have a stake on me as always. I also constantly carry steaks, because what does the USDA know?

My job is weirder than yours.

End of discussion. My boss is perhaps having a senior moment, he's been sitting in his office yelling "Ramoooon, I love Ramon!" for about an hour now. Realizing he could be in the midst of a serious psychological or physiological incident, I am doing the right thing. Namely, I am calling every Ramon on the internet and leaving messages for them to call him back. I am a model employee. I also just got paid, I do believe I'm going to go enjoy a martini at the downstairs bar. Or six. I wonder why my money dries up so fast.

My face when...

I realized you can anonymously call code enforcement on government buildings.

My first and last rage comic.

True story.

Hey internet! Guess what? I'm an asshole!

And now, a target that's LONG overdue if you ask me. I target the most destructive force humanity has ever constructed. Hey #love, SUCK IT!

Maybe that's good advice for the wealthy, disembodied hand but damn, I got a job, dude.

Like incapacitating delirium.

Given those options, yes, I suppose that sounds the least painful.

Somebody has a poor understanding of anatomy.

Once we lop off that watermelon you have for a head.

Your choice of font lets me know exactly how crazy you are, and I am frightened.

"So, if you guys were wondering why I became such a selfish prick, now you know."

I just really like this one.

The ocean, where a baby dolphin choked on the rubber and died, asshole.

"Because I suck at this whole "drawing" thing."

"K, but can we at least sit down or something? This is killing my feet."

"I'll just leave you with that crippling burden instead." Also, if Pooh doesn't cut down on his sugar intake, he'll be lucky to make it to 30.

THEN WHY DO YOU BLIND ME WITH THOSE COLORS? CHRIST, I THINK MY RETINAS ARE BLEEDING.

"Also, where I got these fucking balloons."

"I also forget that it's customary to begin writing on the top left of the page."

Maybe they're right. Maybe kids are growing up too fast these days.

Nice job making it look like you wrote that with the quill pen. Would've fooled me if the actual pen was out of the damn shot.

I will never say that word again. Take that maldita95.

"Alright buddy, let's see your hands."

I somehow feel even the most die-hard Hello Kitty fan would find this over the top. It also looks like it reproduces via budding, if somebody finds this thing, please burn it, before it's too late.

I'm trying to decide if this is more creative than it is meaningful, or vice-versa.

Alright, I'm through. Join me next time, when I'll make fun of things I like for a change.