Oh my #God...

Trying to get my blood pressure up, I suppose.

Please see a doctor about this. This could be a serious medical condition. Actually, you know what, don't.

When is the season for butt sex? 

Is the "You" in this statement a bike tube? I'm confused.

One of my strengths is generally reading comprehension, but it is currently failing me entirely. Hey look! Cute girls!

Hard not to believe in Christianity, the presence of churches and well, Christians makes it hard to believe Christianity isn't real. As for the second point, I always believed my eyes and nervous system were the sources of my sense of sight. I now know that sight in humans is bestowed by a two millennium old religion. Must have been rough on those cavemen. 

On day two, he created that weird-ass keg looking thing.

Pretty sure Jesus wouldn't have vandalized a wall with  such tacky propaganda. 

Like fucking up a perfectly good table, for instance.

Say that ten times fast. It'll still mean nothing, but it'll be really hard.

That's not from the King James Version, is it?

Religion inspires people to stare at the sun. The ensuing brain damage inspires poetry like this.

I rather like limiting God to a number in my life. I won't tell you which though. It's our little secret.

"He invented photoshop filters!"

"Good thing these grills have made me STUPID rich." Also, his retirement program is very "high"? I think maybe you let Ali hit you one too many times, buddy.

He sure did a good job with me, but it's a good thing Harlequin fetuses don't get old enough for Tumblr, because they would be justifiably upset with that statement.

There. I feel so much better. Thanks, God!