5. Toy Story 3
Okay. This movie rules. Bad example. Fuck you facts. I'm gonna make number 6 take this spot.
5. Alice In Wonderland (2010)
What the hell people?! Not only does this prove current studies drastically underestimate the percentage of Americans who smoke marijuana, it also shows that studies vastly overestimate the percentage of Americans who aren't dumber than an oxygen deprived trout. If this movie had a redeeming value (it doesn't), it does settle the age-old question: "Who has the world's spazziest hands?" and the answer is Anne "Twinkle-Fingers" Hathaway.
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| Lookin' pretty Drusilla there, lady. |
Of course the first film, which was an entirely watchable action film, didn't make the list. Instead this waste of time, money and talent did. In a desperate attempt to milk this franchise for every last drop it could lactate they made Johnny Depp, one of the world's greatest living actors act more flamboyant than Charles Nelson Reilly drunk at a Pride parade. Also, and I realize I'm repeating myself, more people saw this than the first film. My head hurts just thinking about why that's true.
3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
This is upsetting for a completely different reason which I'll explain later, but first, before someone puts out a hit on me THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING. SO IS THE WHOLE TRILOGY. Now, the reason this is indicative of mankind's inevitable destruction: Two Towers is ranked at number 14. That means that millions of people who had never seen the first two movies paid 12 dollars to see an utterly confusing (for them) out-of-context fight scene. Good job, America.
2. Titanic
Five seconds of Kate Winslet's (admittedly gorgeous) breasts made $1,843,201,268 and this is POST-internet porn. We're doomed.
1. Avatar
Everyone knew this was gonna be Pocohontas minus the beautiful songs. Everyone knew how the film would begin, progress and end. People knew that the story was based around aliens who were essentially scaled up Smurfs. People watched it for the 3-D. Adults. Grown men, women and genderqueer folks living in a post Pirate Bay world knowingly coughed up fifteen dollars and three hours to go: "LOOK MA, DA SCREEN DUN POPPED OUT!"
Nice knowin' ya human race.
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