Self-Defense

So, I know a lot of people out there charge a lot of money for self defense classes. It makes sense, we live in a dangerous world. While you were reading that last sentence 4,200 people got mugged and at least one person made up a statistic. However, I, being the selfless gent I am will give you the skinny on all things self-defense. 


Plan A:

Point shotgun in general direction of attacker(s). Pull trigger(s).

This one's easy. The widespread of the shot should ensure you hit some part of your attacker, and should that fail, you are holding a rather handy ten pound bludgeon. Now, unless you live in the South, are me or are otherwise mentally ill, it is unlikely you'll have a shotgun on you when you need one, which leads us to:


Plan B:

Pull from pocket. Aim at center of mass. Pull trigger until it makes a "click".

While being less accurate, the revolver has the advantage of fitting in your pocket and making you look less crazy and more kick-ass. 

Ask yourself: "Am I feeling Lucky?"

As far as calibers, anything smaller than a .38 is for children (and consequently, all children should have a .38). It can also be used as a bludgeon, albeit at much shorter distances. However, for some stupid reason, they don't let you carry one in bars or playgrounds or any place fun really, which leads us to:


Plan C

Swing that shit.

Now, while Florida concealed weapons laws cover knives and separate firearms laws bar them from bars (man, I needed a thesaurus just now), there is no law against walking around a bar with an unconcealed tool. 

Or thirty.

Unlike the previous plans, this requires no work on your part. Walk into a bar with thirty machetes and muggers will be the least of your troubles. Now, just in case this somehow fails (though I can't imagine how). There's...


Plan D

Were you expecting anything else?

So, bam! There you have it. You are now an expert in self-defense. Feel free to walk down dark alleys and inner city railroad track all you want. 


Disclaimer: Any of these could also be used for fun and/or profit. I should probably warn you against that, but I won't. Enjoy.