Don't press this button. Whatever you do. Do not press it.

This is to time what I am to a bottle of whiskey. You would think that the random article button would give you just that. But no, that is where its treachery lies. That link will send you to pages you would never take yourself otherwise. Strange and fascinating places. It will seem innocuous enough until you hear your alarm clock go off and you realize you'll be red-eyed and laggy for days all because of Packy the motherfucking elephant.

Packy the Elephant
Brief synopsis, Packy is the first elephant born in the Western hemisphere in a long time. He's also really big. Even for an elephant. That should be more than enough information. Yet, for reasons (likely demonic), I can't stop scrolling. I read about each of Packy's children and wonder what their lives were like. This impulse leads me to scroll to the bottom of the page where I find Wikipedia has a category for individual elephants. Disregarding the sad question of whose life was so vapid that they assembled such a list, the demon commands me to click.

Category:Individual elephants

Note that there is a separate list for FICTIONAL elephants. Have there really been this many newsworthy elephants? I mean, they eat peanuts, they fly by flapping their wings and they occasionally treat circuses like I'd like to treat my employers, what more is there? I (um, I mean the demon, yeah, that's right) choose what I feel is the most preposterous name of them all: 

John L. Sullivan

THAT'S A NAME FOR PEOPLE! GIVE IT BACK! If this trend continues, think of what else of ours they'll steal? Sure, it would be amusing to see one on a unicycle, but imagine if they got bulletproof vests or Motley Crue records. Game over, man. Game over. Johnny-Boy didn't do too much, except die in: 

Sarasota, Florida

Okay, this has to be the work of foul spirits. Why else would I click the link to information on a city I spend a good amount of time actively trying not to think about? Alas, here I am. I learn that Sarasota was yet another tragedy attributable to the First World War and that since then has been built by and for clowns. Visitors to Sarasota, Fl will quickly notice it feels more like a WW1 battlefield than it does a circus. I should really get back to this report I'm writing up for my boss, but I find myself losing control of my hands yet again.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Maybe it's time to call for professional help. This is the most boring article I've read since I took "Native Flora and Fauna of Mars" back in freshman year. Architect, blah, blah, HOLY SHIT, he was a dick to Anthony Quinn?! Like, THAT, Anthony Quinn?! What a dick!

Anthony Quinn

This beast of an actor was in Lawrence of Arabia, which for all the shit I've talked about it is a pretty rad movie. Way cooler than any stupid building. Screw you, Frank! Let's see what else Anthony did...

Last Action Hero

TAKE THAT MR. WRIGHT! HE WAS IN POSSIBLY THE SECOND BEST ARNOLD MOVIE, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO, BIG SHOT?! Last Action Hero lost $26 million dollars, but presumably put hair on at least that many chests. Oh god, why did they have to link to this:

Jurassic Park

Instead of working, I'm going to spend ten minutes reading about a movie I could recite word for word. I make sound decisions. Nominate me for political office. How did this masterpiece of a movie get beaten out at the box office by: 

Titanic

ICK ICK ICK! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. DID YOU KNOW THIS MOVIE COST 200 MILLION? That's enough for 177 pounds of pot. Film producers obviously have no idea how to deal with money. Wait, Bill Paxton was in this movie? I like him. Let's dig up some dirt:

Bill Paxton

Apollo 13, Twister, Aliens, True Lies, and Titanic.

Fuuuuuck. Man, he fucked up with that Titanic thing. Oh, and he was in a Limp Bizkit video. Eww. Oh well, one more link.

Apollo 13

Uh, oh. I figured out what the demon wanted. You win this round, asshole.

I'll be ready next time, fucker.