One fact about grammar and two about Billy Joel.

So, the bastards in charge of grammar and usage (still not sure who or where they are) have decided that the Oxford Comma should still be the standard. This is despite that it is counter-intuitive, archaic and absolutely worthless. See, I didn't have one in that last sentence and you probably didn't even notice. Since not even readers of this blog are nerdy enough to care about this, I'll move on.

Here's a fact about Billy Joel. In the courtyard (yes, a courtyard) of Billy Joel's Star Island home (yes, he has a Star Island home), he keeps a life-size marble statue of himself playing the piano. That last part is absolutely true.  I have seen it and despite my eyes refusing to acknowledge its presence, bumping into it several times while doing work on his home confirmed for me that it is, in fact, real.

Here's another fact. The verses to "Piano Man" are stupid as shit. I mean, really dumb. Like, plugging your toaster into a potato because of that cute experiment in elementary school dumb. The chorus isn't going to get him into the Royal Academy either, but hey, at least it's catchy. Dissection time!

"It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
the regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his tonic and gin
He say, Son can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes"


First of all, eww. I'm imagining an eighty year old pecker stuffed into a old-fashioned glass. Thanks Billy. Next, drunk people have never talked like that and even if they did, he's still basically pulling a "Hey! Misster Piano Guy! Can youuu play this song I like?! I don'tt know the words or the name or anything, but I did once." Plus, we can only hope that the younger man in question is himself, otherwise, he has a bizarre hobby that really seems like it merits more attention. 


"Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be"


Well, he's at a shitty bar filled with weirdos, I bet there are a lot of places he'd rather be. Applying for a decent job comes to mind. Also, what kind of bar doesn't give free drinks to their piano player by default? The wrong kind, that's what.


"He says Bill, I believe this is killing me
As the smile ran away from his face
Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"


Oh, so your a bartender in a big city who thinks they could be a movie star? Join the club buddy. BORING. Also, do they have him chained down or something? It seems John may be being held against his will. File a complete investigation. 


"Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talking with Davy who's still in the navy
And probably will be for life"


Does Paul not have a wife because he doesn't have the time or is it because he has a fictitious profession? Occam's razor people. Also, this Davy fella, how is he in the Navy for life? My grandpa was in the navy in WW2 and back then you had to constantly worry about U-boats, Kamikaze squads and malnutrition from your steady diet of Lucky Strikes and dead Axis. So, I could easily see someone's life ending back then. But this song was written in 1973. During the Vietnam war, how dangerous could that have been?

Vietcong navy, circa 1973.

The only risk Davy is facing is if that kook John gets the vermouth mixed with the turpentine again. Also, there has to be a retirement age for the navy right? I'm assuming with people still calling him Davy, he's not ranking all that high, sorry buddy, at 35 you're finding a new line of work.


"And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinking alone"


Practicing politics, uh. Ok. Maybe that meant something back then. I object to the next line, because when people start using stoned to describe getting drunk it makes all sorts of things confusing. Getting stoned means one thing and only one thing, and it's usually not practiced by imbibing liquid (yet). The next two lines are just a plain old lie, getting drunk alone is way better than dealing with anyone who self-identifies as a "businessman" especially after their fourth scotch. By the way, I invented a damn good cocktail, I'm naming it loneliness, listen close.

Loneliness
2 1/2 oz. Scotch Whisky
1/2 oz. Amaretto
1/2 oz. Drambuie
Splash Angostura bitters.

Shake with ice. Serve straight up in an old fashioned glass with a maraschino cherry. Get twisted.


"It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday,
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see
To forget about life for awhile."


Well, that and the alcohol. You know, they're probably mostly there for the alcohol.


"And the piano sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say "Man, what are you doin' here?"


Get that piano tuned. Immediately. Wiping that mic off can't hurt either, alchy. Also, "they" put bread in his jar? Either that is highly antiquated slang for money or this is one trippy joint. Also, what's up with that last question? "I'm playing the piano, jackass. Now, sit down and have another whatever the hell that psycho back there is mixing."


So, while people have unanimously told me that Billy Joel is a nice, modest man, a modest man does not keep a life-size statue of himself in his courtyard. That is, unless he is complete titty-twisting crazy. I believe I have proved he is. The prosecution rests, your honor.