So, I found this. Theoretically, a list of creepy Wikipedia articles. Now, would these be able to creep out me. A little background, I've seen more horror movies than the average 21 year old male has seen sports games. Every night, medication I'm on subjects (or rather, treats me to) a series of vivid, lucid dreams that range from simply odd to things Dante would've covered in his book if he had some more imagination and a lot more balls. Also, rumor has it, I've done enough psychedelics to have Hunter S. Thompson give me a fist bump in the afterlife. What can Wikipedia possibly due to me? The answer, dear reader, lies ahead.
Mad Gasser of Mattoon
Well, the skeptic in me says "one guy left his gas running and mass hysteria and poor diagnostics did the rest." The comic-geek in me thinks: "HOLY SHIT! REAL-LIFE SCARECROW!". Either way, worst case scenario, a copycat emerges and treats me to a week-long vacation and some free drugs. Cool? Yes. Crazy? Meh.
On a scale from one to Audition I give it a
3/Audition.
The Bloop
The first thing this article does is prove to me that scientists suck at naming everything. An insanely loud noise in the middle of the ocean with no identifiable source? That's not a bloop that's a "HOLYTITSCTHULUISREAL". Semantics aside, a massive noise in the middle of the ocean with no identifiable source screams "THE END IS NIGH!" pretty loudly. That said, since high-tech ocean monitoring is in its infancy and since I think Michael Clark Duncan, a helicopter and a Claymore mine could stop anything up to Galactus-level in my mind. In short, I'm curious, but barely concerned.
4/Audition.
Pope Lick Monster
The first line in this beast's wiki description: "The Pope Lick Monster is a legendary half-man, half-goat[1] and half-sheep[2] creature" is disturbing on a mathematical level, but the creature itself (should it exist) is far from terrifying. Apparently, the hilariously named creature uses hypnosis to lure unsuspecting passers-by onto train tracks. Now, I don't claim to be a high-end psychic by any means, but there's only one way I'm lying on train tracks, and that's if Dick Dastardly ties me face down on top of Nell Fenwick. Now, if this was a demon that fancied giving rimjobs to his holiness, we could talk. Instead,
2/Audition.
Starchild Skull
Some Ufologists (read: wingnuts) believe this skull is the product of humans boning aliens. I, as a trained common-senseologist (as poor as I am at it in practice), believe this is the skull of someone who was dared to eat a whole box of Warheads at once.
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| Your face WILL, in fact, get stuck that way. 1/Audition In addition to being the DC universe's evil parallel version of Batman, Owlman is the lamest thing cryptozoologists have come up with since cryptozoology. A person with wings? In Britain? What are they gonna do, polite me to death? Please... 0/Audition.  No, not this one: This Greenman was a long time Philly urban legend. Children and paranoid people of all stripes would report a man who would reportedly glow green, had no face and would wander the streets at night. The truth is altogether more badass. A Phillyboy was terribly disfigured in an electrical accident. He didn't let a little thing like gross mutilation stop him from pursuing his hobby, namely, walking the streets at night. On top of all that, people report him as being a nice guy. He may not be creepy, but I feel like he deserves some badass points. So, if no one is offended, I'm switching the scale from 1-Audition to 1-Yippy Kai-Ay Motherfucker!. Without further ado, this walking incarnation of courage gets: 2 and 1/2 Yippy Kai Ays. Next time you're uncomfortable leaving the house without makeup, I hope the Greenman's memory haunts you into sanity. More reviews to come. Until then. Beware the Bloop. |
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