Local DJ breaks addiction to "That fucking annoying reggae horn"
Naples, FL-- When James Cagney, age 27, started DJing ten years ago, he had simple dreams, simple goals. "You know, I figured I'd make a little money on the side and chicks seemed to dig it." he told our reporter. Things went fine for a while until three years ago his long-time friend and fellow DJ "Skrews" turned him on to "That fucking annoying reggae horn". "I had heard it once or twice in reggae songs and I always liked it, then Skrews told me I could add it to any song, anytime. I was on top of the world." Cagney, who at this point was going by the stage name "Juicy Jimmy Jay" would interject the sound during hit songs, classic rock music and once, even during "Here Comes the Bride". By this point, James had hit rock bottom, clubs were refusing to book him, his friends and family were ashamed, but he continued to deny his problem. "I still thought it sounded great, you know: "PA-PA-POOOW". One day his close friend local rapper Roger Hammer, who goes by the name MC Roger, took a tape recorder to one of Cagney's engagements and played it back to Cagney. "That exact moment was when I realized, hot damn. I am a horrible sack of wasted organs and it must pain the Lord to gaze upon me. It really blew my mind." But even after his epiphany, Cagney still knows he could relapse at any moment. "There's no support out there, you know? I don't have a sponsor I can call whenever I think about hitting that button. There's no anonymous group for my condition, except groups of anonymous hecklers." When asked about what he hoped to accomplish in the future, his answer was as simple as it was noble; "I'm gonna find Skrews and I'm going to smash his index finger to shit." Good luck, James.
Reporter has no idea how to tactfully wipe sweat from face at restaurant
Miami, Fl-- The beaches are crowded, the energy bills are soaring and one poor man has no idea how to keep his face dry while eating. This reporter, who chooses to remain anonymous described his dilemma; "It's really really hot outside, and it isn't like I'm going to stop sweating the second I get in A/C! If I walked someplace I could form a puddle on the ground below me before I cool off." Embarrassed by his constantly flustered appearance, the young man tried everything; "I would try to use my sleeve to wipe it, but my arms felt like I'd been double fisting an elephant. If I was at a place with those cheapo paper napkins, I'd leave behind like thirty of those bastards before I left. People who saw the aftermath would've suspected I had been cleaning up after a BBQ orgy." Classy restaurants only brought on new problems; "You're only supposed to use that on your mouth, and for good reason, the last thing I need is for the sweat to mix with my beschamel and make me look like I'd spent all day with my face in a bag of Elmer's glue." So the next time you're out on the beach think about all the poor people in this man's stinky, moist shoes and maybe you can help him find the answer.
Good, decent area man only wants a little recognition
Miami, Fl-- "I don't need a freakin' parade or anything, I just want someone to maybe thank me sometime you know." said our interviewee, a middle aged man of about average height and build. "I'm not a saint or anything, but I always help my friends move and I always tip servers twenty percent, I just want a little credit for things like that." Unfortunately, this reporter forgot this man's name after he obliged this reporter's request for "just one more beer."
Funny Page(s) Explained
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| Daddy is roasting the family pet on the radiator of their generic American SUV. |
Cranston, Fl-- What should have been a pleasant day of good-spirited musical competition at the local park turned into a hellacious tragedy after a simple mix-up led to tragedy. Local high school punk band "The Punkoneers" who described themselves as "grungy pop-punk with a Sublime edge" failed to notice until the start of the show that their bassist was in fact an eight hundred pound black bear. The band's singer, the only survivor of the massacre gave the following statement; "He was always at our practices, so I just assumed he played bass. I was never sure what bassists were supposed to do, but he sounded cool when he growled and he always brought us lots of fresh bass. It's an honest mistake." The bear apparently became irritated by the bands third and final song "Bears are Stupid and Ugly". When asked why he didn't do more to help, the band's singer replied that he was busy "catching that shit on my cell phone".
Nation of Islam member renounces religion after long stay in prison
Suffolk, NY-- Twenty years ago Aadil Hakam was sentenced to a stay in a maximum security prison for his involvement in a politically motivated arson. Today, Aadil, who is once again going by his birth name of Chris Chalmers was released from prison and made his first public statement since his arrest. "There is no way God and that place can both exist." stated Chalmers in front of a crowd of 400 confused onlookers. "Seriously, at best, the highlight of your day is getting in a set of pushups without getting stared down by an M-13 members. Why would an all-powerful God force me to live on a diet of bologna and stale biscuits?" Fellow members of the Nation of Islam criticized Chalmers' statement to which he replied "Try getting stabbed once in the liver every Christmas by some neo-nazi and then come back here with that bullshit". This announcement comes only days after former born-again Christian David Dale renounced his religion stating "What kind of God doesn't make a commandment barring anal rape? Fuck this shit." When asked about his future Chalmers was quick to reply; "I'm going to get shit-faced and fuck everything with a pulse."
Marketplace
Interesting developments in the markets today. The Dow Jones Industrial Average reported feeling down, but just needing some "me time". The NASDAQ considered changing its name to the AASDAQ so it would come first in more alphabetized lists. The S+P 500 reported something, but I can't imagine you care. Meanwhile, the foreign exchange market submitted the following report:
"Orice speranţă abandona, voi care intra aici"
A spus semnul am citit că a fost agăţat deasupra patului ei
Şi sirena tot dispus
Dar un om nu poate ignora semnele
Trebuie să păstraţi un ochi bun pe drum înainte de lichidare
Şi păcatul prima mea era o fată tânără americană
Şi păcatul prima mea era o fată tânără americană
Şi mi-am petrecut timp Neath "caprele
Cu punk şi sfinţii dimestore
Ne-am tinut credinta si un Switchblade ascunse sub haina mea
Şi am fugit cu îngerii murdare
Am dormit afară în ploaie
Am fost speriat si obosit şi abia şaptesprezece
Şi păcatul prima mea a fost teama ca ma facut sa ma vechi
Şi păcatul prima mea a fost teama ca ma facut sa ma vechi
Şi acum am mers în jos de către şantierele navale
Aproape de locul unde m-am nascut
Spunând, "Oh Maria, dacă you'da mă cunoaşte atunci când"
Dar ea zâmbeşte doar de lumina pe malurile Navesink
Zicând: "Ascultă baby, te cunosc acum"
Apoi, ea paşi în râu
Si eu stau doar de luna
Gândirea zici de un fantomă am auzit pe timp de noapte
Şi spune ea, "păcatul tău a fost o minciună te-a spus.
"Şi primul păcat a fost o minciună te-a spus."
But we have no idea what the fuck that means.
Until next time, remember the Drunken Digest, your one source for news, opinions and Fantastic Four references.
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