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Miami, Florida, United States
Every time I eat whole fish I fear for days that I have swallowed a bone. Perhaps my abdomen is absolutely lousy with them, I would have no idea. Thanks for coming and remember to take off your shoes before coming into the living room, I'm quite fond of the carpet.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Kris Kristofferson Vs. Waylon Jennings: A fair and unbiased comparison.

While all of the Highwaymen are near and dear to my heart, it seems like one of them just doesn't get enough love. That man, nay, god, is Kris Kristofferson. Just to prove my point...err...make an unbiased comparison, let us compare him to fellow Highwayman Waylon Jennings. 


Music
This is an important one, seeing as, for the most part, it is what they are known for. Let's see what Kris has up his sleeve.
If that didn't bring a tear to your eye you should get them examined. This is the most beautiful song about a hangover ever written. Fact.


Now, let us listen to some Waylon Jennings.
While it is a great song, notice that he has backup from WILLIE FUCKING NELSON. Which is really, seriously cheating. 


+4 to Kris 
+4 to Waylon
-1 from Waylon for being a cheating little bastard.


Current Score:
Kris-4
Waylon-3


Who would win in a fight?
They are Outlaw country musicians after all, so I feel this is important. Now, obviously Kris would win now since it would be very hard for Waylon to fight from inside a casket. So, lets look at them in their primes. 


Waylon: 
I wouldn't fuck with him.
Now, standing at an even six feet and looking to be a pretty fit 175, Waylon looks pretty good coming into this bout. The fact that his right hand is throwing up the metal horns also is a clear sign of toughness. Also, Waylon Jennings was a tremendous cokehead, so I imagine the eight ball he shot into his temple before the match will give him some serious pain resistance, helping his odds tremendously.


Kris:
HOLY FUCKING TITS!
Now, he does come in at an inch shorter and probably ten pounds lighter than Waylon, but him at forty makes Waylon at thirty look like the Michelin Man after an Italian dinner. I think it's also important to point out these fun facts from Wikipedia:


-He experienced his first dose of fame when he appeared in Sports Illustrated's "Faces In The Crowd" for his achievements in collegiate rugby unionfootball, and track and field. (That is more sports than I knew existed).


-Kristofferson under pressure from his family, ultimately joined the U.S. Army and achieved the rank of Captain. He became a helicopter pilot after receiving flight training at Fort RuckerAlabama. He also completed Ranger School. (Ranger school. You know, the training program that makes regular basic training look like a Tae Bo session for the elderly, THAT ranger school). 


 -Kristofferson turned down both William Friedkin's Sorcerer (1977) and the first Rambo-installment, First Blood. (HE COULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING RAMBO).


Okay. As tough as this one is to call, I'm gonna have to say that Kris would beat Waylon into an unidentifiable pulp that would not be fit even for cremation. 



Kris +2


Current score:
Kris-6
Waylon-3




Romance
Lets see how these studs did with the ladies.


Waylon:
That red hair will come to me in all my best dreams.
Pamela Des Barres. A beautiful woman, to be sure. But there are two important things I feel mandated to mention. First, after countless hours (read:three minutes) of research, she is the only woman I could find who was remotely romantically attached to Mr. Jennings. Second, Pamela Des Barres is a minor celebrity herself. Don't let that Jesus tattoo fool you, Pamela is famous for fucking more or less anybody who has ever picked up a guitar. Still, lets see how Kris's love life has treated him... 


Kris: 
Janis Fucking Joplin
Young Barbra Streisand
Joan Baez, it sounds like I'm just making these up at this point right? Well I'm NOT DAMMIT.
Rita Coolidge

Lastly, he was rumored to have been involved with Marilym Monroe, so I'm gonna go ahead and say he definitely, without a doubt, was.
Check and mate!
Kris +3
Waylon +1


Current Scores
Kris- 9
Waylon- 4


Being Alive


Kris +1
Waylon -1



Current Scores
Kris- 10
Waylon- 3

Quotes:

Waylon:

"The only two things in life that make it worth livin'
Is guitars that tune good and firm feelin' women"


Close but no cigar. He forgot liquor and of course, cigars.


Kris:


"Tell the truth. Sing with passion. Work with laughter. Love with heart. 'Cause that's all that matters in the end.”


Close one. Lets call this one even shall we? Of course we will, because this blog is not a democracy, it is a theocracy, and I am its God.


Film


Waylon: 
Waylon cameo'd as a truck driver (does that count as acting?) in something called Sesame Street Presents:Follow That Bird, probably because he got lost on the way to the liquor store.


Kris:


“For the next few years, Kristofferson focused on acting. He appeared in Blume in Love (directed by Paul Mazursky) and Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (directed by Sam Peckinpah). He continued acting, in Sam Peckinpah's Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, Convoy, (another Sam Peckinpah film which was released in 1978), Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Vigilante Force, a film based on the Yukio Mishima novel The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea, and A Star Is Born (with Barbra Streisand), for which he received a Golden Globe Award for Best Actor and Flashpoint in 1984 (directed by William Tannen)."


Now, I'm gonna go easy on the scoring for this because most the Golden Globe is the Scrappy Doo of acting awards and because Muppets fucking rule.


Kris +2
Waylon +1


Current Scores
Kris- 12
Waylon- 4

Final Round! 
This is where I'll award points for things not covered in the other sections but that I believe merit consideration.

Waylon:
"During the early morning hours of February 3, 1959, the charter aircraft that carried Holly, Valens, and Richardson crashed outside Clear Lake, Iowa, killing all aboard. In his 1996 autobiography, Jennings admitted that, in the years afterward, he felt severe guilt and responsibility for the crash. After Jennings had given up his seat, Holly jokingly told Jennings, "I hope your ol' bus freezes up!" Jennings shot back facetiously, "Well, I hope your ol' plane crashes!" It was a statement that would haunt Jennings for decades".

WHAT THE FUCK WAYLON? YOU KILLED BUDDY HOLLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! The only reason I'm not taking points away from him is because "American Pie" is such a good fucking song and I feel his evil hexing sorcery may work from beyond the grave.

Kris: 
He has said that he would like the first three lines of Leonard Cohen's "Bird on the Wire" on his tombstone:
Like a bird on a wire
Like a drunk in a midnight choir
I have tried in my way to be free.

DAMMIT! Now I want a tombstone that says that. Do you have any idea what that is gonna cost? Way more than my last plan (selling my body to a pervy website), that's for damn sure. No points for you either buddy.

So, at the end of this grueling, completely unbiased bout lets see what we got:

Final Scores
Kris- 12
Waylon- 4

If you know anything about country music, I'm sure you're going to have some strong feelings about this decision. If you didn't know anything about country music, why the hell did you read this far? Anyway, now you do. You're welcome. And now I'll excuse myself, I have a hankerin' for some beef and some bourbon. Til' next time, may your socks stay dry and your mouth stay watering.

9 comments:

  1. I love Kris and I love Waylon...that's all I have to say about that!

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  2. While I know this was largely written in jest and I did chuckle...how can you not know about Waylon and Jessi Colter? Seriously.

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    1. Tough one to call but the Kris Kid gets my vote. 👍

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  3. Waylon's band infinitesimally better than Kris's. + a bunch

    Singing with Willie Nelson is fucking impossible because Willie doesn't give a shit about keeping time. Advantage Waylon.

    Jessie Colter. MAJOR advantage Waylon.

    Balladeer of the Dukes of Hazzard. That's gotta be + 100 at least.

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    Replies
    1. Hahahahha exactly! This guy who wrote this article is either so dumb that he compares these two different legends or he's a Kristofferson fan so he just wanted to make him look better. Waylon and Kris were two very different people! Kris was more educated and was more of a leftist hippie. Waylon was a good ol' boy who grew up poor and uneducated. But he worked hard, lived fast and was truly a good person.

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  4. fuck you you brainless bastard !

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  5. Yeah, totally leave out Waylon and his wife of decades, Jessi Colter? WTH, man

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  6. all ill say is i named my kid waylon....

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  7. Relax! This was all in fun. Both guys would laugh their asses off at this

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