Green Lantern Review

First, let's make it clear that I have not actually seen the film, merely the following trailer. However, I do not think that should impede me in reviewing this film, given my amazing talents of precognition and overestimating my capabilities.

The film begins with showing a typical day in Ryan Reynolds' life. He wakes up late for work and leaves the previous evening's escort alone and unattended in his surprisingly sophisticated and orderly bachelor pad. He then shows off that he is terrible at both driving and seduction as he pulls a grimy maneuver even on his standards on a lady that even librarians wouldn't stoop to partying with. 


Just before you start to think this movie is just about how much every fifteen year old boy would love to be Ryan Reynolds, the film takes a bold turn. Oh wait, no it doesn't. It has him pull some fighter plane shit that makes Top Gun look like Up In The Air. 


Next, while Reynolds is on a late-night walk (presumably to meet his many drug dealers), he sees a bright green light fly through the sky. Notice the subtlety in Reynolds' acting as he contemplates whether he'd rather investigate the mysterious phenomena or meet up with Cuchillo under the boondocks. Realizing Cuchillo always runs late, our hero runs after the streak of light only to find that an alien (which looks like all aliens, namely humans of a different color) has crash landed his ship. He bravely gives up his power ring to Reynolds', hoping that this would provide enough box office revenue to hire the army of shitty CG artists needed to keep him alive.

No such luck for Barney-Boy. A voice-over (possibly alien), informs us that Reynolds was given his ring due to his "great responsibility" which is not unlike giving Robert Downey Jr. the Iron Man suit for his "great driving". So, holding a nigh-omnipotent weapon in his hand makes the only decision his Mattel sized mind can come up with and picks a fight with some roughnecks in an alley. Just as his oh-so-kickable face is being kicked, he takes them out with a huge punch. But, and here is where the plot (and the viewers' genitals) thicken, it is not a punch made of fist, but of GIANT FUCKING GREEN FIST! Take that, Hulk!

YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M.....SULLEN!

Shortly after, the plot diverges (HOW THICK CAN IT GET?!) a brief shot of  Peter Sarsgaard effectively establishes that he is both very evil and very ugly. Meanwhile on Oa (a name designed solely to make people upset about Scrabble's proper name rule, Reynolds' get sniffed by a very large, badass alien who serves the dual roles of training Reynolds' and  selling a FUCKTON of merch. 


Towards the climax of the film, Peter Sarsgaard has become far more ugly and far more powerful and he must battle Reynolds' who, if costumes are any indication, has become a Power Ranger.


The stodgy woman informs Reynolds' that he has the ability to overcome fear, which surprises me, as I thought he only had the power to be a profitable actor after being in a National Lampoon film. Peter on the other hand has developed the ability to cause things to explode, presumably by cackling at them. Realizing that enough damage to the city could lead to Chad's super sweet triple kegger getting cancelled, R.R. knows what he must do.

The two of them battle it out, Reynolds' eventually gaining the upper hand and winning due to the knowledge he has acquired (future weapons are HELLA AWESOME!). The last shot of the film is Reynolds' making out with uptight girl while his alien buddies do the alien equivalent of the chest bump (which nearly got the film banned in Australia).  


Spoilers: Stay tuned after the credits to watch Batman beat the hell out of Ryan Reynolds for twelve straight minutes. Oh wait, that doesn't happen? Fuck this movie. I'm staying home.