In a graveyard charade, a late shift masquerade two for a quarter, dime for a dance: Or what I had for breakfast.

THIS WHOLE POST WILL BE BOLD BECAUSE THIS BREAKFAST WAS BOLD AS THAN A WOMAN SINGING OUR COUNTRY TIS OF THEE IN A U.S. FLAG DRESS OFF THE TOP OF NORTH KOREA'S TALLEST BUILDING. THAT JOKE SUCKED BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS CLOGGED FROM ALL THE AWESOME IN MY BREAKFAST. YOU'LL NEED A BUNCH OF SHIT BECAUSE I DON'T PLAY.


INGREDIENTS:
2-4 EGGS
FUCKTON OF AREPA MIX
CAN OF BEANS
JALAPENOS
ONIONS
BELL PEPPER
GARLIC
RED WINE
BAY LEAVES
ADOBO
STEAK THICKER THAN ARETHA'S THIGHS
BACON
SPICY SAUSAGE
CHEESE, REAL SHIT NOT SOME FUCKING VELVEETA SHIT

MAKE SOME FUCKING BEANS. MAKE THE SHIT OUT OF DEM BITCHES. I STARTED MAKING THESE AT 4AM BECAUSE I AM FUCKING DUMB. THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT.

BROWN THE SHIT OUT OF SOME CUT UP SAUSAGE IN LARD IN A REALLY FUCKING HEAVY CAST IRON POT. IF IT CAN'T STOP A BULLET, IT AIN'T WORTH A SHIT. I WOULD TEST THIS BY SHOOTING IT. HOPEFULLY WITH A BOLD ASS FUCKING GUN. I RECOMMEND A .357 SNUBNOSE, IT'S TINY, BUT IT CAN FUCK UP ANYTHING THAT ISN'T THIS FUCKING POT.
WHEN THAT SAUSAGE HAS LEAKED ENOUGH OF ITS JUICY FATS TO DROWN AN INFANT, REMOVE THE CHUNKS AND KEEP EM CLOSE.
GET THAT SHIT HOT AND SAUTEE SOME BIG ASS CHUNKS OF ONION AND BELL PEPPER IN THERE. ONCE THAT ONION TURNS CLEAR, ADD YOUR FINGERNAIL SIZED CHUNKS OF GARLIC, FIST SIZED CHUNKS OF TOMATO AND JALAPENOS THE SIZE OF THUNDER. COOK THAT FOR LIKE SIXTY SECONDS.ADD A CUP OF WINE. BREATHE THE FUMES FOR LIKE THREE MINUTES, THEY WILL MAKE YOU WELL. WELL ENOUGH TO TOSS A SEMI CROSS-COUNTRY WITH YOUR HAIR.
THEN YOU OPEN YOUR CAN OF BEANS (USE YOUR TEETH), AND TOSS THEM IN THERE. ADD YOUR ADOBO, YOUR BAY LEAVES, YOUR SPICES, YOUR GODDAMN SWEAT AND BLOOD. BORROW A FRIEND'S TEARS BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE UNABLE TO CRY BY NOW. LET THAT SHIT COME TO ALMOST A BOIL AND THEN LET IT SIMMER FOR FUCKING EVER.


NEXT, MAKE SOME BACON, DON'T QUITE COOK IT ALL THE WAY. COOK IT TO HALF ITS DELICIOUS CRISPY PRIME. MAKE A FUCKING AREPA WITH HALF YOUR BACON IN IT. WANNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE AN AREPA? HERE'S HOW. ROLL SOME BACON IN THERE. 


NEXT, GO OUTSIDE TO YOUR GRILL. TURN THE PROPANE UP CRAZY FUCKING HIGH. ENOUGH TO ALMOST MAKE YOU PUT OUT YOUR BREAKFAST CIGAR. YES, YOU SHOULD HAVE ONE OF THOSE IN YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW. YOU SHOULD ALSO HAVE A GLASS OF BRANDY IN YOUR HAND. CRANK EVERY KNOB ON THERE TO HIGH AND START IT. CLOSE THE GRILL AND TURN THE SIDE BURNER TO MAX.


NOW YOU TAKE A CAST IRON SKILLET AND LET THAT SHIT SIT THERE ON THE SIDE BURNER FOR LIKE A HALF HOUR. WHILE YOU WAIT, COVER THAT STEAK IN SALT AND PEPPER, THE WORD "OVERSPICED" ISN'T EVEN A REAL WORD. SPELL CHECK SAID SO. ONCE THE PAN IS LIKE LINGERIE CIGAR SMOKING HOT, YOU TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF LARD OR BACON GREASE (OR BOTH!!) AND STICK IT IN THAT PAN REAL SLOW LIKE. NOW TOUCH THE PAN. DID IT BURN YOU REALLY BAD? ARE YOU IN NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION? IF NOT, LET IT SIT THERE LONGER. 


NOW, TOSS YOUR STEAK ON THERE AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SPLASH SOME BRANDY ON THERE. I SHOULD'VE WARNED YOU, THIS SHIT WILL FUCKING EXPLODE. I LOST A FEW EYELASHES AND I HAVE PRACTICE AT THIS SHIT. LET THAT BIT OF BRANDY BURN OUT AND COOK OFF WHICH SHOULD TAKE LIKE TWO MINUTES. FLIP IT AND THROW SOME MORE BRANDY ON THERE. DRINK YOUR BRANDY FOR THE NEXT TWO MINUTES THEN MOVE THE PAN INTO THE GRILL, WHICH SHOULD BE ROUGHLY THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SUN. SOME WOULD RECOMMEND USING MITTS. I USE MY TEETH. LET YOUR STEAK SIT IN THERE LIKE TWO MINUTES FOR RARE OR A LITTLE MORE FOR WUSS. 



PULL THAT PAN OUT AND PUT THE STEAK ON A RESTING PLATE. USE A STURDY PLATE, SINCE YOUR ONE POUND 700 DEGREE STEAK WILL FUCK YOUR CHINA UP SOMETHING BRUTAL. WHILE IT RESTS, REMOVE THE SKILLET FROM HEAT AND CRACK EGGS ON IT. THEY SHOULD BE BROWNED AND SCRAMBLED IN LIKE ZERO MINUTES. SERIOUSLY, THOSE FUCKERS BE READY FASTER THAN THE FLASH CAN PRETEND TO PUT ON A CONDOM. 

CHOP THAT STEAK INTO STRIPS, TOP THE AREPA WITH IT, NEXT ADD THOSE EGGS ON THERE. MAKE SURE EVERYTHING STAYS SLOPPILY MOIST BY POURING A MOTHERFUCKTON OF BEANS ON THAT DICKTWISTING BASTARD. ADD YOUR MOSTLY COOKED LEFTOVER BACON. ADD THAT SAUSAGE. THEN TAKE YOUR CHEESE, IF YOU ONLY HAVE VELVEETA, JUST PUNCH YOURSELF INSTEAD. SHARP CHEDDAR OR PEPPERJACK ARE MY RECOMMENDATIONS, BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO SMOTHER THE AREPA IN IT.


TOSS THAT FUCKER IN THE OVEN OR GRILL AT AROUND 375 DEGREES (WHICH COINCIDENTALLY, SHOULD BE THE TEMPERATURE YOUR HOUSE SHOULD BE AFTER GRILLING THAT STEAK) FOR LIKE 5-7 MINUTES OR UNTIL THAT CHEESE IS MELTY AND DELICIOUS. LET SIT FOR A MINUTE IF YOU'RE FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR IS "SOFT", OTHERWISE, DIG THE FUCK IN.

HEART ATTACK LIFE