Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?

Dear tiny Miami-based business owner,


I appreciate your hard work and applaud you on your success. However, you could make my life a whole lot easier if you just did me a couple teensy-weensy favors. So please, when doing business try practicing the following simple rules. You may save an office aide's life.


- Keep your invoice numbers under seven digits. I have to type those things, a lot. I know damn well you don't have fifteen billion clients and I doubt you're fooling any of the seven you do.


- Don't assume I only speak English. Seriously. I'm not starting the conversation with "Buenas tardes" to fuck with you, it's okay to respond in kind.


- The plural of attorney is "attorneys" and no, you can't sue me for being rude to you.


- No matter what I called your mother.


-No, she wasn't a saint.


-It's called the internet, I'll look it up you scabsucker.


-It's 2011, asshole.


- No, it's still not self-defense hitting me even if I called you a scabsucker.


- No, I can't spot you half your rent. Shame on you.


- No, I cannot cut you your check for $40,000. No, not even if it's late. No, seriously, if I could I would be in Costa Rica right now with a pair of Rottweilers, a swimming pool of single-malt and a highly-intelligent cow that would nurse and raise its children to be veal, and then remorselessly serve me them.


- Yes, I do accept tips. In any form. Though I do wonder why you had frozen venison in your satchel.


- I have no idea if they'll tow your Escalade for double-parking it in a handicapped zone, but God, I hope so.


- "Am I happy with my current homeowner's insurance?" is quite the loaded question.


- Tinfoil is not an appropriate substitute for an envelope. Besides, the aliens already know what's in there, they were watching you then too.


- This is not a karaoke bar. I don't care how good of a song was on the radio just now.


-Babelfish does not turn Spanish to English, it turns Spanish to a blend wordbortion.


-Seriously, it's 2011.


-I'm not tired, I'm not spaced out, I'm trying to burn a hole through you with my eyes.


-These stopped being rules a while ago.


- Remember the only thing I'm better at not doing than my job is giving a fuck. Make a note of it.


-Until next time, govern yourselves accordingly and please remit payment for invoice number 566699582-A by March 3rd 2007 or are attornies will be you will hear from.