I've already changed his windows boot sound to "Friday" by Rebecca Black. I plan on telling him it was a virus. I flipped his screen upside down and switched his keyboard setting to DVORAK and again said it was the virus. He is currently buying the latest Norton. I feel like this is not enough. I'm currently ordering visits from Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Muslims and Presbyterians to his house, along with a whole bunch of boxes. I am considering hiding meat in his desk, come lunchtime, I believe I will travel to the supermarket for anchovies. I still feel like I'm taking it too easy. Setting up a craiglist ad right now with his number for a free car, dog and television. But this is all old news. I want to reach new levels of spiteful mischievousness. I need your help. Give me your hate.
Alright, take milk and pour it along the vent below his windshield wiper blades. This is prime AC time.
ReplyDeleteAlso place some sardines on the back of his engine block after if cools. It'll never smell the same again once he's halfway home.
Roast his dog (if he has one) over an open fire in his back yard while he watches, tied to a tree. Eat only a few nibbles before saying it's too rich for your tastes, then tear him apart and gnaw his heart for dessert.
Loosen but do not remove his cpu's fan so his computer overheats at times of heavy usage but only occasionally and when he needs it most. Then tell him he needs to be more sensitive to its needs.
As far as I know, the man has no pets. But he does have a wife, who is now a prominent and expensive prostitute. Our parking garage is Fort Knox, but I swear, I'll carry around a can of sardines for the one day they slip. Also, I unattached his Dvd drive internally, in two minutes too. That's some Macguyver shit. I might do the fan thing and tell him he's just too hot to use that computer. He'll like that. I want tears dammit.
ReplyDeleteYou could always fuck his mom. Whether or not she is alive is irrelevant.
ReplyDelete-Eric.
I was already planning on it. She's a rich older lady. I love older women AND money. Also, older women love me. The young ones focus too much on the fact that I'm a cynical, jaded wretch who is more bitter than regurgitated coffee grounds. The older ladies realize that life'll just sort of do that to ya. Oh yeah, and my hair RULES.
ReplyDeleteItching powder on keyboard, chair, pens, etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the mom fucking thing.. good call.
-Spring Chicken
Cayenne powder on his workout towel. Happening. Also, I'm thinking pouring chicken juice on his keyboard might not be the worst idea.
ReplyDeleteTHIS MOTHERFUCKER DOES NOT PLAY
ReplyDeleteExcept games.
ReplyDeleteOr with himself.
ReplyDeleteOr rarely, with consenting others.
ReplyDelete