Pennsylvania-- Ryan Dunn who made a living forcing people to ask "How is that total moron still alive?" died while being a total moron. Notable character actor Kevin Dunn survived the car crash, thanks to his being nowhere fucking near it. Dunn is survived by a slew of morons who are going to kill themselves in equally brain-dead ways.
Investigation finds Pennsylvania police completely ball-less
According to sources summarized in Wikipedia :"Police stated that speed may have been a factor in the accident,[13] and preliminary investigations suggested that the car had been traveling between 132 and 140 mph (212 and 230 km/h) in a 55 mph (89 km/h) zone.[14][15]" According to anyone with half a brain, the "may have been" part of that sentence is entirely unnecessary.
Investigators suspect foul play in death of area opossum
Old Brunswick, NJ-- Local schoolteacher Rosalie Cifaretto made a call to area animal control after, when on an evening jog through her neighborhood, she found an opossum that looked "totally deadzo". While the animal control agents agreed with Rosalie's initial impression that the opossum was like "disco dead", they were puzzle by its persistent, although slowed, heartbeat and its twitching when poked with sharp objects. Taking no chances, the animal was quickly incinerated, hopefully preventing a massive, civilization-threatening zombie apocalypse.
Michelle Obama visits Africa
Pretoria, South Africa-- Michelle Obama, wearing the latest and greatest in designer garments and accessories, arrived in South Africa this Monday morning. Obama explained, from the runway her private jet had landed on, that she was there to inspire South Africans to work hard at securing their own future financial prosperity. We interviewed Dikeledi Erasmus who saw the First Lady speak at a lavish stadium event: "I work a fifteen hour day in a rat poison factory and forget what anything what rice tastes like. What the hell do they pay HER for?" Clearly, at least one woman was touched by Michelle's act of selfless philanthropy. Tomorrow, the Obamas will go on safari and have been assured a chance to ride on an adorned elephant.
Christian fundamentalists want classic carol line cut
Valdosta, Georgia-- "Deck the Halls" has been a staple of any good caroling troupe and has been without controversy, until now. Pastor Ed Franks and his wife Lisa have uncovered a lyrics long overlooked. The line in question? "Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la, la la la, la la la." Upon listening closely, Pastor Franks was shocked; "I had to listen three times, because my betamax player don't play so good, I called in Lisa and all three Ed Jrs. and they heard the same thing!" At first, the Pastor thought it was just that recording stating "you know how the queers are with their tricks". But after discovering that all three versions of the song they could find at the local Target contained the lyric, the Franks were up in arms. "You can't have kids singin' this! They're singin' this one day, they're dressin' like the Miss Gaga the next, then before you know it, its the parties and the wild sex!" Pastor Frank yelled, with the slightest look of longing in his eye towards the end of his statement. When asked about plans to take action on his discovery, Pastor Frank, who is going senile in his early 60s, went on a nigh-unintelligible tirade about "the young kids dressin' like the negro-rappers <sic>".
Classifieds
Job Openings
(.... ed.)
Personals
m4w, I'm really just doing this because my friends are making me. If I don't get calls from a bunch of idiots, I'm just gonna find someone beautiful and then get brutally hurt when my issues go from making me interesting and start making me a drag. I know this cycle better than I know the marks on my hands but I'd still light up like a firefly if I got as much as a smile from a girl I liked. Anyway, I like Tom Waits, whiskey, cooking and sitting on porches on rainy days. This is probably the worst five dollars I've ever spent.
w4m, I don't know what the hell I'm expecting. All of these ads are the same. People who call themselves fun-loving as though anybody isn't. People who are all about positive attitudes. I guess I'd want someone who was okay with someone who was willing to admit when things sucked, you know. I hate the games people play too, this whole waiting to call you back, this whole coy mating dance. Fuck that. Can I curse in here? I do that a lot. Anyway, I like playing the banjo, whiskey and sitting around on front porches. Here goes nothing.
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