dude, you missed a fantastic opportunity to make a critique of consumerism's appropriation of actual culture in its never ending search for a mysterious air of authenticity that is clearly being strived for without actually accomplishing said realness . You have no idea how many times I have heard that song Anglicised and gangplanked to fit some CEO's ideal of relaxation and sell a product. Subvert a fucking paradigm if you have the chance to do it on your boss's dime, why don't ya?
You do make a good point, here's why I chose not to. First of all, I have found seventy year old millionaires with signs of dementia a very difficult group to communicate breakfast options to, much less politicize. Second, I get upset when I think about all the black musicians who never became famous because Elvis stole their songs and when I think about all the albums filled with songs that good I'm missing out on because of the racism of the era. I get less upset when Mungo Jerry makes insane royalties because some ad exec. decided to get some Aryan choir boys to sing his song and televise it. I even get upset when Rod Stewart covers "Downtown Train" by Tom Waits because he turns a heartfelt, powerful song into an inane pop ditty designed to moisten some middle-aged crotches. Forgive me for not getting indignant about a crappy, sterile song by a crappy, sterile musician getting further sanitized by other crappy, sterile musicians. I try my best not to think of Mungo Jerry as "Actual Culture". Lastly, because it would've technically counted as work, and that's the last thing I want to be doing at my job.
Thanks for writing , you made a good point and I hope you'll comment again. I hope for more comments from all of you too, I know you're out there, watching.
As I don't have any zany work stories today, I'm gonna go back to that little prompt sheet.
2. Something You Feel Strongly About
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| Barrels |
Before I get into why, let me explain why so many other apparently more significant things did not get chosen. I feel very strongly about vampires. Not the Hot Topic dress up kind or the blood fetishist type, but rather the immortal, eternally thirsty lineage of the wise and powerful Count Dracula. Now, I have very strong beliefs about them, namely that they are awesome and that when portrayed in fiction, they should not sparkle in the sunlight.
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| Nobody's face has ever looked so kickable |
Now, I went out and found a real vampire (the things I do for you folks) which has become much harder since you health nuts got all stoked on garlic. However, none of the cameras managed to capture his image. Since having a good image was an important goal for me in answering this prompt, I abandoned vampires as my choice. Sorry guys. I encountered similar problems with mirrors, air and sexy thoughts, so those ideas were also all dropped.
So why barrels? In addition to their intended use (being rolled down a set of stairs by a good guy hoping to incapacitate a group of bad guys), did you know barrels are also key to the production and transportation of alcohol? What a world.
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| They can also save your life should a gorilla attempt to force you off a platform. |
3. A Book You Love
I remember next to nothing about this book. I think it was about some old man with a dark past or something but I'm probably wrong. Anyway, I was reading it in hardcover during fourth grade recess and some kid started picking on me. I whapped him with it in the face and broke his nose. That made me one bad ass motherfucker in that elementary school and I thank Lois Lowry to this day.
Seriously though, read Sandman. I have all of them, I'll lend them to you. But you better take care of them, I still have that copy of The Giver somewhere and I still know how to use it.
4. Bullet your Day
The word is "shoot". In addition, it is impossible to attack measurements of time with a firearm. I have tried. NEXT.
5. Things you Want to Say to an Ex
Hmm... they weren't very specific, so I'll cover a few bases.
Ex-Professional Wrestler- Ric Flair. WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?
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| Ma, get the torch |
Ex-Best Friend- You were right Joey. "The Headhunters" would have been a way better name for our cowboys and Indians team than "The Angry Robots". To name just one reason, robots don't get angry, they get even.
Ex-Physician- Ibuprofen doesn't do half a dick's worth of damn when your cock-fucking ACL is more torn to shit than Ric Flair's fucking demon skin set on fire and put through a fuacking industrial size paper shredder you miserable fucking shit-stained barbarian.
Ex-Partners- Please don't jump me. I know a lot of you would love to stomp me into cement, and because of my preferences, I know most of you could. But just please, don't. Think about something nice I did. I know that's gonna make you think of something else I did that was terrible, but just ignore that second thought, stick with the happy. I think I may be asking for too much, how about you just try to stick to hitting me in the torso and legs, however tempting my face and groin may be as targets.
6. Your Views On Mainstream Music
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| Best Rapper Alive, if not ever |
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| Young, Beautiful, Talented |
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| Still Touring |
Looks pretty good to me.
7. Five Pet Peeves
1. Cats have claws. Cats like to "rest" on laps. This does not a pleasant marriage make.
2. Cat urine smells so bad. I've been in situations where I've eaten nothing but low quality fish for several days and I assure you, my urine smelled nothing like that. Cat urine is what their body is left with after consuming your soul for nourishment. That smell is a warning.
3. Dogs cannot work toilets. I dare anyone to find evidence otherwise.
4. Dogs typically come in two sizes: the type I trip over while drunk and the type that could disassemble me like Andre the Giant could do to a Ken doll.
5. Seriously, cat piss is GROSS.
That's it for round one today. Another update likely coming in a few hours. Good times.
P.S. I switched to Helvetica. Am I cool yet?
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