Five things wrong with AFI's top five.

Yes. These movies are great. I get it. But none of them are perfect. In fact, a few of them have some serious fucking issues. So, as a brilliant artist myself, I will point out these errors, and suggest ways the creators could have gotten it right.


Warning: spoilers ahead. But these have all been out for at least thirty years, so seriously, you already know all this.


5. Lawrence of Arabia
1. HOLY SHIT IS THIS THING LONG! Cut it in half. I don't care which half, but a huge chunk of this thing has GOT to go.


2. Large portions of the film take place in the desert, this is incredibly boring. I hear the director originally wanted stormtroopers riding dewbacks in the background to liven things up. I know that wasn't possible back then, but it would be easy with today's technology. Quit being lazy folks!


3. I have trouble relating to a Lawrence. Change his name to Larry. I can identify with a Larry.


4. It starts with so much bullshit before the credits. If I wanted to see soldiers march all day I'd go to a doctor, because something would have to be terribly wrong with me.


5. It teases us by having a motorcycle in it, but no super-sweet stunts. Maybe Larry could have jumped sideways off the motorcycle, two uzis blazing, mowing down Turks. That would've been a way better ending.


4. Gone With The Wind


1. If you thought Lawrence of Arabia was long, holy shit. Get a ton of snacks ready for this drawn-out son of a bitch. Or better yet, watch the trailer. Use the time you save to learn a new language, or write a movie shorter than Gone With The Wind.


2. This movie has 24,000 extras (I counted) and not a single one of them is wearing anything anachronistic or doing anything silly (I looked). Talk about a major disappointment.


3. The film had a "Woman's Director" even back in 1839 or whatever, that's hella sexist.


4. "Frankly my dear, I don't give three shits and some cat piss."


5. It has suitors. Suitors are the worst. If I ever meet a suitor in real life, I'm gonna punch him square in the nose and say something clever like "I hope that SUITS you!". I'll think about the clever thing to say, but I'm gonna hit 'em real hard.


3. The Godfather


1. Yeah, I know it's a cheap shot, but the cheap shot Sonny takes at Connie's boytoy misses by SO much. Was Scorcesse even on set that day? What the hell man?


2. "Leave the gun, take the chicken cacciatore." I just prefer savory dishes to sweet ones, and cannolis, well, not my thing.


3. In that scene where Sonny gets shot up, he could have totally pulled a Boromir. Maybe just stay alive long enough to grab some dude and bite his head off. That would've been wicked.


4. Same goes for Luca Brazzi, maybe let him chokeslam somebody through a table. I love it when that happens in professional wrestling, and I think it's about time it happened more in cinema.


5. Have Al Pacino use his blatantly fake Cuban accent. I saw that movie where he did that, it ruled. 


2. Casablanca


There is nothing wrong with this movie. Seriously, I checked like a hundred time. I know almost every line. They are all absolutely flawless. I'm sorry. 


1. Citizen Kane


1. That scene where Orwell goes on the rampage as an old man, it looks like none of his joints work and he looks really silly. I don't think the director intended for that to be comical, but shit, I was laughing until my toenails were coming off (common condition, look it up). 


2. Rosebud was a sled. Nobody saw this movie without knowing the ending. You may argue that the first viewers did, but this movie is so old, it was around for at least ten years before anyone was around to watch it. If you didn't know the ending your first time going in, submit yourself for carbon-dating.

3. It was all about some rich white guy who just does businessy things. Who wants to watch shit like that?

Oh yeah, me.

4. Orson Welles directed, produced and starred in it. At 25. That makes me feel unaccomplished. Shame on you Orson. I could make point five that Orson is a stupid name for dum-dums, but I won't. 


5. Pterodactyls. Seriously, Youtube it. They recycled some footage from King Kong to save some skrilla, and in the background of one shot, there are some pterodactyls. Now, my issue isn't that they fucked up. In fact, my issue is that they didn't fuck up enough. This movie could have rocked so much harder if there were more accidental dinosaur attacks. Jurassic Park AND a compelling character drama, can cinema get better? I submit that it can not.